Conference Highlights

Dr. Phyllis Arno

The 2020 NCCA Conference was held at the Hilton Dallas Lincoln Centre, Dallas, TX – October 30th-31st, 2020.

On Friday, October 30th, we had a full day of sessions consisting of:

“WELCOME ADDRESS” was presented by Rev. Steven M. Baran. 

SESSION 1:  “BACK TO BASICS” was presented by Dr. Keiah Ellis.

SESSION 2:  “APPLYING THE BASICS” was presented by Dr. Keiah Ellis.

SESSION 3:  “FIT FOR HIS PURPOSE” was presented by Dr. Trudy Simmons.

SESSION 4: “DITCHING DYSFUNCTION” was presented by Dr. Trudy Simmons.

SESSIONS 5, 6 and 7: “MAXIMUM COUNSELING MINISTRY WITH MINIMAL LIABILITY” was presented by Attorney David Gibbs III.  He gave us a Legal Update for 2020. These sessions were so enlightening, helpful and information for our counselors.  

FRIDAY EVENING:  We had an “inside” backyard BBQ.  The food was delicious!

On Saturday, October 31st, we had a full day of sessions consisting of:

SESSION 8:  “SUPINE TENDENCIES IN INCLUSION, CONTROL AND AFFECTION.”

I presented this session.  We reviewed the Supine tendencies and then I explained what the Supine needs to learn in each area.

SESSION 9:  “A JOINT SESSION WITH THE FOUNDERS.”

Dr.  Arno and I presented this session. I shared with our counselors that Jesus is the Light of the World and He wants us to be reflectors of His light. We encourage you, as counselors, to ask your counselees if they know Jesus as their Lord and Savior; and if they do not, ask them if they would like to accept Him.  We want you to pray for you counselees. We want you to have a heart’s desire to help this Child of God who came to you for counseling.  You can give them HOPE by leading them to JESUS! 

Dr.  Arno shared with us that he is a born-again Christian, Jesus Christ is his Lord, Savior and his only Hope!  Jesus Loves Me! He also spoke on Exodus 14:21-23.

SESSION 10 and 11 were presented by Rev. Dr. Bobby Love and Dr. Janice R. Love. 

Their topics were “Stepping Up With Stepfamilies” and “When Marriage and Ministry Collide.”

SESSION 12:  “DEVELOPING A LAY COUNSELOR/COACHING MINISTRY FOR LOCAL CHURCHES was presented by Dr. Robert J.  Duncan, Jr. 

His topics covered addressing new trends for care groups and support ministries such as Lay Counselors, Small Group Coaches, Pre-marital Counseling, Family Transitions Counseling, Family Transitions Coaching, Caregiving Counseling, Caregiving Coaching, Loneliness Counseling and Lay Ministry. 

SESSIONS 13:  “Key Components for Change” was presented by Rev. Steven M. Baran.

SESSIONS 14:  “Ministry Update” was presented by Rev. Steven M. Baran.

A BIG THANKS GOES TO….

Rev. Baran, N.C.C.A. President, for his leadership abilities in lining up the conference location and all the behind the scene efforts that it takes to make a conference a success.  Rev. Baran was also the Master of Ceremonies, and was available to give guidance to our members on a one-on-one basis.

Jason Ferrill for all his work in helping to prepare for the conference, and working with the hotel staff during the conference.

Michael Andrews for his tech support as well as assisting the NCCA conference attendees during the conference. 

Mara Baran for doing a fantastic job laying out the conference notebook.

Michael Dan, Linda Walker, Mark Winchell, and Brian Colvin for keeping the main headquarters open to service our members who were unable to attend the conference.

 Dr. Richard Arno for his cheerful presence during the conference.

And a very big THANK YOU to all of you who attended the conference in person or virtually!

 It was such a JOY to be with you all!

Most of all, we would like to thank the Lord for anointing the conference.  We were all truly BLESSED.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND MAY YOU HAVE A BLESSED, JOYFUL HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Book Review

Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus as you come to see him anew! In this spiritually rich compilation, Alcorn gathers quotes from Augustine, Martin Luther, Joni Eareckson Tada, Francis Chan, and other Christian thinkers to help you develop a deeper appreciation of who Christ is, what it means to seek him, and more. 272 pages, softcover from Harvest.

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Temperament Corner

Nativity Of Jesus

  JESUS LOVES ME

Dr. Phyllis Arno
Dr. Phyllis Arno

A favorite old hymn of mine says it all: “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so….”

Luke 2:7-11:  ‘And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.  And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.”

THIS IS WHY WE CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS!  JESUS’ BIRTH!                                

Luke 2:25-33: “And, behold, there was a man in Jerusalem, whose name was Simeon; and the same man was just and devout, waiting for the consolation of Israel: and the Holy Ghost was upon him. And it was revealed unto him by the Holy Ghost, that he should not see death, before he had seen the Lord’s Christ. And he came by the Spirit into the temple: and when the parents brought in the child Jesus, to do for him after the custom of the law, then took he him up in his arms, and blessed God, and said, Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word: For mine eyes have seen thy salvation, which thou has prepared before the face of all people; A light to lighten the Gentiles, and the glory of thy people Israel.  And Joseph and his mother marveled at those things which was spoken of him.”

We have been given the greatest gift!  JESUS! He was born to give His life for us so that we could have our sins forgiven and live with Him in Heaven! 

See I John 3:1:  “Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God….”

JESUS IS THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD

John 8:12:  “Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”

He wants us to be reflectors of His light for as we all know Light dispels the darkness.

Psalm 119:105 tells us that: “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”

The World is getting darker and darker right now, but as we all know, Jesus is the light of the World—He is getting brighter and brighter.

When we accept Jesus Christ into our heart, His perfect love flows through us and we will have the “Light of Life.” This means that you will reflect His pure light onto those you counsel.

We, as temperament counselors, need to shine His light in this world!  We are called to counseling the hurting. We do this by teaching the counselees who God created them to be and how to bring balance into their life.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF YOURSELF AS A LIGHTHOUSE?

A lighthouse is used to help bring ships safety to shore so they do not crash into the rocks.

God wants you to be His “lighthouse” to bring the lost souls safety to the shore–Jesus!

In Colossians 3:23 the Holy Scriptures tells us:  “And whatever ye do, do it heartily, as to Lord, not unto men.”

Many times these lost souls are filled with fear.  God tells us in the Scriptures to fear not over 300 times.  This means that we need to teach our counselees to fear not, because they need to learn to put their trust in Him.

Therefore, as a temperament counselor we want you to:

1. Have a heart’s desire to help your counselee.  This counselee is a Child of God, who is coming to you because they are hurting and probably have feelings of anger and hopelessness.

2. Invite the Holy Spirit to your counseling sessions to guide and direct you.

3. Remember, you can give your counselees HOPE! You can lead them to JESUS!.

4. Ask your counselees if they know Jesus as their Lord and Savior; and if they do not, ask them if they would like to.

5. Teach them that God created them with strengths and weaknesses, and that they need to learn to submit their strengths and weaknesses to the Lord. .

6. Teach your counselees to fear not, because they are to put their trust in Him. See Proverbs 16:20:  “He who heeds the Word wisely will find good and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.

7.  Pray for your counselees.

I pray that you have a Beautiful Christmas and may the Lord bless you this coming year with His LOVE, His JOY and His PEACE!

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Temperament Corner

SPECIAL NOTES FOR COUNSELING MARRIED COUPLES THAT HAVE “LIKE” TEMPERAMENTS IN THE INCLUSION AREA.

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

Author

As you know, “opposite” temperaments tend to attract each other because of their differences; however, we also find that “like” temperaments can also tend to attract each other. And just like the “opposite” temperaments, the “like” temperaments need to learn to live with each other.  The “like” temperaments need to understand their likenesses.

In this issue, we will cover a Melancholy married to a Melancholy in the Inclusion area.  

In review, the Inclusion area is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in the area of surface relationships, association, socialization, and their intellectual energies.

The following are some words that describe a Melancholy in Inclusion: 

  task-oriented                         perfectionist               low self-esteem

        self-motivated                       loner                          withdrawn

     creative/artistic                      moody                       depressed

fear of exposure                    appears arrogant        possibly suicidal                                   

 intellectual energies              loyal friend                strong-willed

MELANCHOLY IN INCLUSION MARRIED TO A MELANCHOLY IN INCLUSION

In the Inclusion area there will be no “opposites attracting” since they are both Melancholies in Inclusion.  They will have to learn to work together, not against each other.

Both are introverts and loners in the Inclusion area.

Both are usually very private people.

Both tend to be task-oriented and relate better to tasks than people.

When opposites attract, they can learn to balance each other; however, two Melancholies in Inclusion may have a more difficult time learning how to bring balance into their relationship because they do not tend to share their thoughts and ideas with each other.

BOTH PARTIES HAVE THE SAME BASIC NEEDS

1.  TO BE INDEPENDENT AND HAVE THEIR OWN SPACE

The fact that they are both task-oriented does not mean that they will automatically 

mesh together.

Both parties will probably be independent of each other, having their own separate interests.

His interests could be: woodworking, old cars, creative writing, exercising, reading, 

playing instruments, computers, hunting, television, etc.

Her interests could be:  baking, cooking, sewing, creative writing, playing instruments, 

reading, exercising, crafts, computers, etc.

GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE

a. Communication is the key! However, they must first learn how to communicate.

b. They need to set specific times when they can come together and interact so they can  keep in touch with each other. If they do not set aside specific time, they tend to think that the other is invading their turf.

2.  TO HAVE QUIET, ALONE TIME TO THINK, DREAM AND REGENERATE

They both need to have quiet, alone time to think, dream and regenerate.  If they do not, they can become moody, depressed and stressed.  They need time to “digest” what has transpired throughout the day and assess what they have and have not accomplished.

Melancholies tend to see rejection where there is no rejection and may think themselves downward because of what they “thought” their spouse said. Actually, they probably did not hear all that the spouse said because their mind had spun off with a certain word that might have taken them to an incident that happened years ago and was never dealt with. This is because they usually will not say anything to the spouse, and their rejection may fester for years!

GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE

a. Both should respect the other’s need for quiet, alone time to deal with their thoughts.

b. Both should learn not to feel rejected when the other is having their alone time.

3.  TO HAVE A SAFE HAVEN AWAY FROM THE WORLD

Both need a safe haven in order to deal with the stresses of life.

Their safe haven can be:  their car, a special room in the house, their woodshop, their garage, their kitchen, or their sewing room. 

Their safe haven can be their whole house. During a disaster many people do not want to leave their home because they are too afraid of the unknown to leave.

Their safe haven can also be in their mind by reading books or watching television.

GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE

a. Both should allow the other their safe haven and respect their need.

b. Both should not attempt to enter their spouse’s “safe haven” unless invited.

4.  TO ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIPS BY DOING TASKS

Both need to learn to establish and maintain their relationships by doing tasks for each other— they have a difficult time just sitting around doing nothing.     

Being task-oriented does not mean that she will keep the house cleaned up.  She may sew or bake and dislike doing laundry or scrubbing floors or doing dishes. 

He may like to work on the computer, read or watch television and may dislike making sure that the car is in good running condition, i.e., keeping gasoline in the car and air in the tires.  

GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE

a. Because they may both have separate interests, they need to learn to understand that they are each contributing to the relationship by doing tasks.  They must acknowledge and  accept their contribution to the marriage.

b. Both need to establish and maintain their relationship by doing tasks for one another.

c. Both need to find a like task to do together so that they remain a part of each other.

5.  TO BE PERFECT

Both will have the need to be perfect, and they may “drive each other crazy.”  One may be perfectionistic about how clean the home should be, and the other may be perfectionistic about writing, baking, painting, etc.

GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE

a. Both need to respect each other’s needs for perfection and be willing to work with each other in order to keep from having a “cold war” in the home.

b. Both need to allow themselves and their spouse to be imperfect. After all, only God is perfect.

SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR THIS COUPLE

1.  Both husband and wife should allow the other to establish and maintain individual  interests; however, they must then come together to make their marriage strong so that they can “stay one.” 

2.  Both husband and wife should learn to COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER.

3.  Both husband and wife should be allowed to have their quiet, alone time.

4.  Both husband and wife should be allowed to have their safe haven where they can  relax.

5.  Both husband and wife should acknowledge each other’s task as a way of contributing to the marriage.

6.  Both husband and wife should respect each other’s need for perfection; however,  at the same time, they need to allow themselves and their spouse to be imperfect.

7. Both need to learn to meet each other’s needs rather than their own and, in so doing, they will have their needs met.

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling Like Melancholies in Inclusion, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, birth order, learned behavior and personality.

In the next issue we will look at Counseling Married Couples with Like Temperaments in the Inclusion area of Phlegmatic.

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IR Spotlight

Dr. W. H. Penewit

Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling International Representative Spotlight

Dr. W. H. Penewit of Hurst, TX, is a Certified Pastoral Member of the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling and has been an International Representative since 2013. He is also a Professional Clinical Member of the NCCA, a Board-Certified Temperament Counselor and a Board-Certified Clinical Supervisor.

Dr. W. H. Penewit raised as a Roman Catholic, accepted Jesus at 18 years old. He was a charter member of The Palos Verdes Faith Center in Palos Verdes California under Dr. Ed Dufresne in the mid 1970’s. “It was there that the journey began” states Dr. Penewit. “I remember sitting in those services listening to Dr. Dufresne and seeing things take place that I thought were impossible.” It was there that Dr. Penewit learned that nothing is impossible with Jesus.

“I learned that The Word works even during the most difficult circumstances, and at The Penewit Institute, that belief is stronger than ever.”

Dr. Penewit incorporates this same faith in all his sessions.

Dr. Penewit specializes in marriage and family therapy, children, and teens as well as individual therapy. He works with single and married adults and his research with these groups keep The Penewit Institute in the forefront of faith-based therapy. However, there are many that do not know that Dr. Penewit’s work with children has been his heart his entire practice.

Dr. Penewit remembers his childhood as one of joy as well as challenges. Today a child is in greater need of guidance than they have every needed before. The Penewit Center’s work and research with Temperament and Children offers a spiritual aspect to your child’s growth as well as every aspect of their lives.

Stress is seen as something that must be dealt with as a foe and not an accepted friend. Dr. Penewit does not see stress as a character builder, but something that CAN be dealt with successfully.

Dr Penewit is a Viet Nam veteran and specializes in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He works with military and law enforcement as well as people of all ages suffering with P.T.S.D.  Doctor Penewit and his wife began counseling many years before, learning about temperament. He first became aware of temperament in 1993 while he was pastoring a church in Liberty, Indiana. He had a part-time job teaching at New Creations ministry in Richmond Indiana.

One of the courses that I was to teach was temperament therapy. As I began preparing to teach temperament to the staff, I began to realize what a powerful therapeutic counseling model temperament was. 

Pastoring a church full time and teaching at New Creations was quite a challenge, however it was a challenge that would prepare me for the future. 

 The Holy Spirit began His work in me where temperament was concerned as I taught. I began to realize that temperament could work!  Linda and I began to pray about temperament and how we may be able to use it to help set people free.

As I began to see patients off church property, I began to see the power of temperament and exactly how to use it.

We moved to Ohio where I finished my graduate studies, and eventually moved to Fort Worth Texas. We began our practice in Hurst Texas over 15 years ago and now see patients of all walks of life Not only in the Dallas Fort Worth area, but all over the world via video.

The use of temperament in our practice has proven itself in the Dallas Fort Worth area. We occasionally get referrals from doctors and psychiatrists who have heard of our work. 

When we apply temperament as the therapeutic counseling model, we see a high rate of success with paranoia, schizophrenics, bipolar 1 and 2, as well as other difficulties. 

Experience has shown me that temperament is one of if not the most viable counseling model available today. 

To date, I have never dealt with an individual that temperament was not able to help in one form or another.

Realizing the power of temperament therapy, I became interested in training others in the disciplines that I use on a daily basis.  Over the years I have become keenly aware that one human being sufficiently trained in temperament therapy can open an office anywhere on the planet and be successful.

Training future temperament therapists has always been a joy and an honor for me and something that I love doing. 

Our students are trained to understand that temperament and their faith in the word of God will assist them in the plan that God has for their lives.

In our practice we have yet to turn away any individual seeking our help.

Working with the individuals that we do and seeing that the societal norm on the planet earth has changed drastically, we realize that temperament therapy combined with The Word of God is the blessing that the world needs.

I am thoroughly convinced that the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling and the National Christian Counselors Association are entities that have been set by God for today and the future, and I am blessed to be a part of it.

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Book Review

In the Manger by Max Lucado

Best-selling author Lucado invites you to witness the birth of Christ as you’ve never seen it before! Through 25 Advent-themed selections taken from his most popular books, you’ll feel as though you’ve joined Mary and Joseph at the feet of the King lying in the manger. Great for family devotions and gift-giving this Christmas.

Click here for more info

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2020 Virtual Conference: Making Jesus Bigger

2020 Dallas Conference

Sarasota Academy’s sister organization, the N.C.C.A., is hosting their annual 2020 conference held on October 30th-31st in Dallas, TX. They have added the ability to attend the conference virtually to obtain critical information about areas of temperament counseling.

During this conference you will be able to hear from experienced temperament counselors and gain insightful information that will impact your ministry.

You will also hear from our founders Drs. Richard and Phyllis Arno. Dr. Phyllis will dive into a temperament case study which could be extra beneficial for your students to hear about. Both founders will then speak more about the areas of temperament.

Attorney David Gibbs III will provide a legal update on the world of Christian counseling which is pertinent to all members looking to maintain their ministries. He will also be going through practical examples of legal situations and what the best step for you as the counselor is.

We especially encourage those who train students to invite your students to this event. There is an immense amount of information for them to soak up and apply to their very own counseling sessions!

All of those who attend, member or non-member , will receive a continuing education certificate award by the National Christian Counselors Association.

Separate registrations are REQUIRED for continuing education requirements. Virtual conference links are not shareable and prohibited from being distributed.

Book Review

Overcoming The Enemy

By: Charles F. Stanley

Your greatest enemy is Satan and he is behind the temptations and battles you face each day.

In Overcoming the Enemy, Dr. Charles Stanley sheds light on the nature of our enemy and exposes many of the tactics he uses to bring heartache and sorrow. Learn to fight back using the weapons of spiritual warfare made available to us through Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.

10 Lessons.

To read more, visit here!

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IR Spotlight

Bret W. Larrimore

Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling International Representative Spotlight

Bret W. Larrimore, Sr. of Easton, MD is an International Representative of the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling since 2012.  He is also an I.C.C.A. Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, and N.S.I. Certified Strengths Advisor.

My ministry, Intentional Connections, is a personal ministry that specializes in Addiction Recovery and Relational Improvement.   I am not a professional counselor or therapist.  I am a Coach, or “Personal Developer.”  I have made my living as a custom residential and furniture painter for over 35 years and now am pursuing the visional direction for my life – my purpose. 

I was introduced to Temperament on the first day as a “counselee” at a Christian Counseling Center in October of 2008.  I had no idea of the unfamiliar path God would be leading me along, and how He would use me.  It is an honor to be sharing that journey with you.  

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.  These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

(Isaiah 42:16 NIV)

I struggled with addiction and bad relationships for many years.  Being led to Christian Counseling and temperament was pivotal in my personal recovery, and the APS (Arno Profile System) was, and still is, my most valuable asset.   Discovering the inner-most, and hidden, details of myself helped allow God to answer the question “Why did I do what I didn’t want to do?”  Through this understanding, a great level of forgiveness toward others followed.  This discovery led to a desire within me to know more, and also to a calling to help others find freedom from addictive behaviors, and ways to improve their relationships.

After a few months of bi-weekly counseling, I was led to the SACC and the “Creation Therapy” course.  This course opened my eyes to the wonderful differences in people, the many issues people struggle with in marriages and relationships on a daily basis, and more importantly, how to help facilitate the healing journey.  It became a powerful tool for recovery from life itself.  Upon completion of the course, I was accepted as a member of the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling and began administering temperament questionnaires and helping people understand themselves in a deeper way.   It was around this time that my recovery coaching ministry, Intentional Connections, was born.

Not feeling the desire, or equipped, to do counseling, I was very much drawn to the Recovery Coaching ministry.  My temperament, gifts, and strengths profiles have confirmed where my passion for helping people develop and grow comes from…within.  I am made for it.   My primary target group for ministry is with men is recovery from sexual addiction.  For the past 10+ years, I have been honored to lead an L.I.F.E. Recovery International support group.   I have also been on the Board of Directors, gave Sunday morning messages, and taught the Created in God’s Image course to some men in a transitional housing program for men in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction.

I have also been blessed to be a supporting member, small group facilitator, and presenter of information and understanding of Temperament, with The Underground Ministry which is a 3-Day Intensive Healing Workshop for men struggling with sexual addiction here on Maryland’s Eastern Shore.  I can’t say for certain, but I believe we are the only recovery workshop that administers the APS profile, and teaches about temperament in recovery.  What makes it even better is working together in this area with the counselor who introduced me to the APS.

As time has passed, and I have grown, so has the use and application of the Arno Profile System’s temperament profile.  With its high accuracy and comprehensive teaching, The APS is now foundational to all the work I do.  In private personal ministry, I have administered over 100 APS profile reports.  I wouldn’t want to coach without it.

I have been blessed to recently create an 8-week course that helps each student, in recovery or not, to gain a deeper understanding of God, self, and others.  I call it “The Purpose Box”.  Over the 8-week period of 2 hours a night, one night a week, (currently presented on the ZOOM video meeting platform) each student will read the “Created in God’s Image” course book, complete the APS and 3 additional personal inventories.  Each person discovers who they truly are, what their strengths and weaknesses are, how their mind naturally thinks, what their spiritual gifts are, and ultimately find a visional direction for their lives and purpose.  It doesn’t matter what they’ve done, where they come from, what they’ve experienced, or what false core beliefs has rooted in their minds; each person is fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator.

Comments about “The Purpose Box” Favorite part = APS

“This material gives insight into character/behavior and offers paths forward in healthy ways.”

Favorite part = APS

“I found this course to be very valuable to understanding why I acted, and treated people, the way I did.  This course also was an eye opener to who I am.”

 I pray that the Lord will allow this course to reach many in the recovery communities, and families as well.  The Arno Profile System is the foundation to this course.  The APS is also valuable in discipleship and the APS is vital in gaining this understanding in order to find one’s place in the function of the body of Christ.  The Purpose Box helps one find their purpose.

“It was He who gave some to be Apostles, some to be Prophets, some to be Evangelists, some to be Pastors, and Teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith…” 

Ephesians 4:11-12 (NIV)

The APS, Created in God’s Image, and Creation Therapy are essential tools for valuable understanding.

 “Wisdom is supreme, get wisdom.  Though it cost everything you have, get understanding.” 

Proverbs 4:7 (NIV)

Intentional Connections is honored to be a small part of the SACC and to be able to use the APS and teach about temperament to provide powerful understanding to all who are willing.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I am trusting the Lord Jesus to continue to guide me along very welcome unfamiliar paths.

Remember, I was once a “counselee” and as each of you Pastoral Counselors introduce clients to, or teach students about the APS, encourage them to follow God’s lead, the passions in their hearts, and seek a vision for God’s purpose for their lives.  Who knows what God will do with the seeds you are planting?  I am grateful to God for the Arnos, their family, and the APS.

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Temperament Corner

SPECIAL NOTES FOR COUNSELING MARRIED COUPLES THAT HAVE “LIKE” TEMPERAMENTS IN THE INCLUSION AREA.

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

Author

As you know, “opposite” temperaments tend to attract each other because of their differences; however, we also find that “like” temperaments can also tend to attract each other. And just like the “opposite” temperaments, the “like” temperaments need to learn to live with each other.  The “like” temperaments need to understand their likenesses.

In this issue, we will cover a Choleric married to a Choleric in the Inclusion area.  

In review, the Inclusion area is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in the area of surface relationships, association, socialization, and their intellectual energies.

The following are some words that describe a Choleric in Inclusion: 

charming                       personable                        chameleon      

confident                       well-organized                  task-oriented           

upbeat                           fast-paced                          strong-minded

people motivators         needs recognition              abusive temper

CHOLERIC IN INCLUSION MARRIED TO A CHOLERIC IN INCLUSION

In the Inclusion area there will be no “opposites attracting” since they are both Cholerics in Inclusion.  They will have to learn to work together, not against each other.

Both tend to have great leadership abilities in the Inclusion area, and they tend to know they do.

Both tend to be task-oriented and also tend to have people skills in the Inclusion area.

Both tend to want and need constant recognition. They may tend to frequently compete with each other to see who can “outsell,”  “outtalk,” or “outdo” the other.

When opposites attract, they can learn to balance each other; however, two Cholerics in Inclusion may have a more difficult time learning how to bring balance into their relationship as they each tend to want to be in the lead.

BOTH PARTIES HAVE THE SAME BASIC NEEDS

1.  TO HAVE RECOGNITION AND APPROVAL

Both need recognition and approval for their accomplishments.

Both tend to be “I” people, e.g., “I sold the most cars”; “I took us over the $100,000 mark”; “I made all the choir robes”; “I baked all those cookies”; “I organized the bake sale”; etc. This is okay, as long as they are not saying “I” when both spouses are working on the same project.  If they say “I” instead of “we,” this will tend to anger the spouse, and the spouse may try to get even or make statements such as, “Believe me, he/she did not do this by themselves; I worked on this project too and did most of the work!”

Both will tend to take on responsibilities and obligations to meet their need for recognition and approval.  The more recognition and approval they receive, the more responsibilities they will take on—until they burn out. The more recognition and approval they receive from “man,” the less they will be looking to God for recognition and approval.  They will then be trying to please “man” rather than God.

Both tend to want recognition and approval from their spouse and may become angry if they do not receive it.

Both will tend to try to meet their needs for recognition and approval by:

  • being charming and charismatic, i.e., “Mr. or Mrs.Personality.”
  • being attentive.
  • taking on activities that would exhaust other temperaments
  • going the extra mile to help people.
GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
  • Learn to look to God first for their recognition and approval.
  • Learn that by looking to God first to meet this need:
    • each must then acknowledge the other’s needs for recognition and accomplishments.
    • each must then learn to give this much-needed recognition to the other.

2. TO HAVE SOCIAL INTERACTION

Both parties will take on social obligations in order to “sell” their wares.  They will usually tend to accept only invitations that will be beneficial to them. 

At times a Choleric spouse may tend to not want to accompany their Choleric spouse, especially if it is not beneficial to them.  Why attend if they are not going to benefit?

They may tend to prefer to stay home rather than to take on social obligations where they have no interest.

GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
  • Learn to respect each other’s God-given areas of expertise.
  • Learn to attend social functions, when they are not in charge, in order to support each other.

3.  TO MOTIVATE

Both are motivators. They both tend to motivate people to accomplish their goals.  They must learn to respect each other by motivating each other with acceptable behavior in order to accomplish their goals.

The following are some ways that Cholerics in Inclusion may try to motivate their spouse:

  • by using charm
  • by making promises
  • by using anger
  • by using threats
  • by using force or violence
GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
  • Using charm is acceptable, if it is used properly; some Cholerics inInclusion tend to use charm as an illusion of intimacy in order to achieve their goals. 
  • Making promises is acceptable, if they keep them.
  • Using anger is not acceptable.  This can occur when their charm and promises do not motivate.  This anger can be expressed  verbally and/or physically. They need to learn that using anger will not help them accomplish their goals in a godly way.
  • Using threats is not acceptable.  If the above does not work, then they may resort to threats—they may actually follow through  with the threats.
  • Using force or violence is not acceptable; it is usually their last option.  This is when they physically and mentally force their spouse to do things the spouse may not want to do.

4.  TO BE THE “STAR OF THE SHOW”

Neither spouse likes to be a “second banana” and may upstage the other, especially if they are trying to “sell” their ideas or promote an agenda. 

Neither spouse should try to force the other to go somewhere that they do not want to go.  If they are cornered and cannot get out of going, the results could be devastating.

Why?  If a Choleric is cornered into going where they do not want to go, they can really become overbearing and may use comments that put their spouse down, or they may even change the whole topic of the meeting—just to get even.  On the other hand, they might just pull back and sit in the back (like a Melancholy) and think of ways to get even with their spouse.

Cholerics in Inclusion tend to expect their spouse to act and react the way they want them to act and react. They tend to say, “You should have said …” They need to learn that their spouse also has the right to act and react the way they deem appropriate.

GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
  • Both need to learn to respect the rights and feelings of each other.
  • Both need to learn to not try to force the other to support their agenda.
  • Both need to learn that since they are one, they really should make an effort to show interest in each other’s endeavors.
  • Both need to learn to give each other the right to be who God created them to be, with their own thoughts and plans.

SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR THIS COUPLE

  • They both must allow the other to establish and maintain their individuality; however, then they must come together to make their marriage strong so that they can “remain as one.”
  • Because of their need for independence, they must set aside time each day to communicate with each other in order to keep from overstepping each other’s boundaries.
  • Both must work together and clearly define their responsibilities in order to maintain and run an effective household. Once this goal is achieved, they need to work out who will handle what and then be faithful to their commitment rather than competing with or overriding each other.

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling Like Cholerics in Inclusion, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, birth order, learned behavior and personality.

In the next issue we will look at Counseling Married Couples with Like Temperaments in the Inclusion area of the Melancholy.

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