THE POWER OF WORDS
A careless word may kindle strife;
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A bitter word may hate instill;
A brutal word may smite and kill.
A gracious word may smooth the way;
A joyous word may light the day.
A timely word may lessen stress;
A loving word may heal and bless.
A word fitly spoken is like
Apples of gold
in pictures of silver.
But I say unto you, that every idle word that
men shall speak, they shall give account thereof
in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou
shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be
COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY WITH THE CHOLERIC IN INCLUSION.
The Free Dictionary on the Internet describes the word communication to mean: “a. the art and technology of using words effectively to impact information or ideas. This would be verbal communication.”
Archie Bunker, the rather blunt father in the old TV series, “All in the Family,” made this statement:
THE REASON YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME, EDITH, IS BECAUSE I AM TALKIN’ TO YOU IN ENGLISH AND YOU’RE LISTENIN’ TO ME IN “DINGBAT!”
I am sure that at one time or another, we have probably all felt like saying that to someone who does not understand what we are trying to communicate to them.
However, when counseling, you cannot say what Archie Bunker said, but what you can do is learn to understand your counselee’s God-given temperament.
As a temperament counselor you know that we are not all “wired” the same. Each temperament acts, responds and perceives things differently.
When you are counseling an individual with a temperament different than yours, you need to learn to set your temperament tendencies aside and counsel this person according to their temperament.
In this issue we are going to look at the Choleric in Inclusion to see how to communicate with them according to their temperament.
When you communicate with them:
1. You should not say:
You pretend to like people; however, you are really task-oriented and you are just getting the job done.
You should probably say:
You tend to appear people-oriented so that you can accomplish your leadership abilities because you are task-oriented and need to get the job done by the best possible means.
2. You should not say:
You hate going out to social events, meetings, etc. You would rather be somewhere else, especially if you do not have an agenda.
You should probably say:
You tend to dislike going out to social events, meetings, etc., if you do not have an agenda; however, if you have something to promote or accomplish, you will probably go and have a great time.
3. You should not say:
You only organize social events so that you can receive recognition and approval. You will become angry if you do not receive recognition and approval.
You should probably say:
You tend to be a great social organizer, and you need to receive recognition for what you do. If you do not receive this recognition, you may become angry when you know that you have done a good job.
4. You should not say:
You want to take vengeance on anyone that has wronged you. You do this by thinking of ways to get back at them.
You should probably say:
You tend to think a great deal and, at times, you may think about getting even if someone has wronged you. However, you usually do not act upon your thoughts.
5. You should not say:
You have a terrible temper and you can be mean and cruel. You will tend to use your anger in order to make people do what you want.
You should probably say:
You tend to have a temper. You should not use this temper to try to motivate people to accomplish your goals.
6. You should not say:
You must do this or you must do that.
You should probably say:
You must decide for yourself what is best for you to do.
When counseling a Choleric in Inclusion, you need to be aware of the following regarding this temperament:
You do not want to approach the Choleric in Inclusion by criticizing them or putting them down because they may tend to become angry and not be open to what you are trying to communicate to them.
For instance, you may be explaining something to them, and they do not hear what you are telling them because they are thinking about what they want to tell you– how you should have said what you are just telling them.
You also need to remember that your tone of voice is important! A condemning or condescending tone can be offensive to the Choleric counselee. Remember, that it is not only what you say but it is also the tone of voice you say it in! Tone of voice can indicate more than words.
Because they are leaders in the Inclusion area, they like to control the conversation, especially when it is about them. Remember, they are the temperament that can walk into a room and totally change the conversation to what they want to talk about.
Sometimes you might even think to yourself: “Give me a script and I will say it exactly as you wrote it.”
However, since you know that they are a Choleric in Inclusion, you need to suggest to them that you have a few things to cover with them and then you will give them the opportunity to express their thoughts.
As you can see, communicating according to a person’s unique temperament is invaluable. The Choleric in Inclusion will learn that:
1. You have shown them respect for who God created them to be.
2. You have given them the opportunity to share their thoughts.
3. They need to respect the people around them and appreciate them for who
God created them to be, just as you have shown them respect for who God
created them to be.
When you teach a Choleric in Inclusion to learn to submit to God and His headship, they will be more respectful to others. They cannot be a good leader until they have submitted to those in authority over them; otherwise, how can they expect others to submit to their authority?
Please remember, God created a Choleric in Inclusion with leadership capabilities and they are needed for the Kingdom of God.
It is important to know that each temperament has strengths and weaknesses, and we need to always remember that God created the Choleric in Inclusion to lead; therefore, we need to encourage them to become good leaders.
PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Choleric in Inclusion you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.
In the next issue we will look at ways to communicate with a Melancholy in Inclusion counselee.
Dr. Mary J. Huntley is a Certified Pastoral member of the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling and an International Representative. She has been involved with the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling since 2006.
Dr. Huntley has always been a people helper. She feels honored to help empower others to reach their potential and fulfill their God given purpose. Though she had many detours along life’s maze, Trinity Global Empowerment Ministries, Inc. was born in her heart on September 28, 2003 at 11:02 AM. God very clearly said to her “I am sending you to identify with my people. Many have been hurt, many have been rejected, but you must show them that I love them with an everlasting love…” She shared the vision with her husband Dr. Ronald Lee Huntley and they began to pray and seek God. As ordained ministers, they are aware that God released them off His assembly line with a pre-ordained purpose. Therefore, they wanted to fulfill God’s purpose and bring him Glory.
They began preparations for the ministry of hurting people. They received Doctorates of Philosophy in Clinical Christian Counseling in 2008, with the University of Family Bible. As a member of the National Christian Counselors (N.C.C.A.) Advanced Certifications include Integrated Marriage and Family Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, Group Therapy, Death & Grief Therapy, Crisis and Abuse Therapy, and Board Certified Temperament Therapy. They are also N.C.C.A. Licensed Clinical Pastoral Counselors.
Life had offered its share of hurt, rejection, and pain. Now it was time to share their journey to the Potter’s House. We know that each day can bring a very unique and challenging set of situations, and circumstances. Therefore, we purpose to help God’s precious hurting people navigate the maze of life, by coming alongside them, and assuring them that life can be beautiful in Christ. We work with the tri-part man to ensure that healing is provided in its entirety. We believe that faith-based counseling is the answer to every problem faced today.
In 2006 Drs. Huntley were introduced to an awesome Christian teaching known as Creation Therapy. Teaching Creation Therapy and utilizing the Arno Profile System (APS) created by Drs. Richard G. and Phyllis J. Arno are very beneficial resources to help our clients navigate life daily. The information is presented in an encouraging and non-threatening manner. This easy to learn counseling technique has achieved a success rate of over 90%. It is necessary to have an APS temperament score in order to determine which of these reports is relevant. Temperament covers three areas known as Inclusion (covers social interactions, surface relationships & intellectual energies), Control (covers the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in regard to control and power) and Affection (covers the need for love and affection, and the need for deep personal relationships).
It helps each individual understand how God created him/her. Creation Therapy empowers individuals to understand whether they are Melancholy, Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic, or Supine. In essence, temperament is the in-born part of man that determines how he reacts to people, places and things. In short, it is how people interact with their environments and the world around them. The theory of temperament is a means for a counselor to understand the inner workings of an individual. In other words it is how our Father, Creator God designed us. As God’s creation, He knew us before we entered our mother’s womb. Therefore, He gave us every necessary ingredient to fulfill our pre-ordained purpose, and bring Him glory!
Drs. Huntley recently utilized the APS to counsel a couple who has been divorced for ten years. After much prayer, and several sessions later “God is moving in an awesome manner in this NEW relationship.” They are now communicating again, and praying together as a family. To God Be ALL the glory!
Unshockable Love: How Jesus Changes the World Through Imperfect People
By: John Burke
Why did folks who seemed far from God become Christ’s devoted followers? Because Jesus saw precious works of art beneath layers of sin, anxiety, and fear! Exploring Jesus’ encounters with “messy” people, Burke shows how to restore others to God through speaking the truth in love, respecting freedom, and more. (Previously titled as Mud and the Masterpiece.)
For more information please visit: www.christianbook.com
COUNSELING UTILIZING THE ARNO PROFILE SYSTEM (APS)
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14
God has given us a unique tool to help His hurting people. It is the Arno Profile System (APS).
As a trained temperament counselor you are not only counseling the people that come to you with their problems; you are teaching them about their God-given temperament.
When counseling, you generate a Clinical Report. This report will give you a clear understanding of this person’s temperament strengths and weaknesses. However, this Clinical Report is not to be given to the counselee as this information is designed for clinical interpretation.
If at all possible it would be best if you had a session with this person before you explained their APS profile. In so doing, you will have a clearer picture of what is going on in this person’s life.
Once you have this clear picture, you will then be able to not only teach them about temperament, but also share with them who God created them to be by revealing their strengths and weaknesses.
When explaining your counselee’s temperament to them and revealing their strengths and weaknesses, you need to remember that all this information is new to them. You need to give this information to them in a gentle way, approaching them as a teacher. Give them a strength and then a weakness; please do not reveal all their weaknesses at once as it may overwhelm them and they may feel defeated or discouraged. Approaching them in this manner will give the person you are counseling the opportunity to “digest” the information that you have just given them.
Remember, they do not have the temperament training that you have and, they are not there to be taught how to counsel, they are there to be counseled as well as to learn about their unique temperament.
In order to be an effective temperament counselor, it is important that you set aside your own temperament and put yourself in the shoes of the person you are counseling.
You may never totally understand your counselee’s temperament needs, strengths and weaknesses; but with temperament training, you can help your counselees to understand who God created them to be.
LET’S REVIEW THE STEPS TO GET YOU STARTED….
- Ascertain the reason for counseling.
- Administer the APS—tell them they are responding to statements (you can reassure them this is not a test); they should take no longer than 10 minutes; and there are no right or wrong answers.
- Greet your counselee in an encouraging manner. Make sure your initial encounter is professional, friendly, genuine and Christ-like. Remember, you never get a second chance at a first impression. Please dress professionally.
- Briefly discuss your credentials.
- Explain to your counselee what they can expect from you during their session.
- Obtain Medical History.
- Obtain Spiritual History.
- Obtain Social History.
- Have counselee complete an Intake questionnaire.
- Have counselee complete a stress assessment.
- Review the APS with your counselee and briefly explain:
* The purpose of temperament: God has uniquely created them!
* There is no right or wrong (good or bad) temperaments
* There are three areas of temperament:
INCLUSION—social orientation and intellectual energies
CONTROL—willingness to make decisions and to accept responsibility
for self and/or others
AFFECTION—need to express and receive love and approval, a need for
deep, personal relationships
* That within our temperament we all have STRENGTHS and WEAKNESSES
* We ALL HAVE NEEDS and that:
- When attempting to meet your needs, you sometimes do things that are not godly.
- Knowing your temperament can help you to better understand yourself.
- It will also help you to learn how to meet your needs in a godly way, and that,
- It will also enlighten you as to why you do the things you do.
You must never give a counselee a copy of the APS Clinical report. It is clinical and for your eyes only!
You can purchase the Special SPP reports to provide a personal report that you may hand out to your counselee. It is a one-time purchase and you cannot generate an SPP report for your counselee until you have first purchased the Clinical report.
Dr. Rickey A. Nation of Oliver Springs, TN is a Certified Pastoral member of the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling and an International Representative. He has been involved with the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling since March 20, 2003.
Philippians 2:13 states, “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”
As an International Representative for the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling, God is at work in miraculous ways. Please allow me to share these exciting testimonies of changed lives. They are as follows:
“With God and your help, my life is being saved.” – Business owner
“For the first time in my life, I feel the love of God.” – Retired school teacher
“I am happy for the first time ever. I am free to be myself.” – Student, Senior
What incredible testimonies of the Power-of-God at work. Some lives are changed so radically, it is difficult to comprehend. If I were not talking to students by email, phone or seeing counselees in sessions being changed, I would have a difficult time believing these changes. Moreover, God is using the APS model of counseling to change lives in miraculous ways. Praise His Holy Name!
It is very important, even vital, for us to be highly skilled in using the APS model of counseling, but also, to be diligent in reaching out to train others in this revolutionary and God blessed method.
I recall a conversation with Dr. Arno several years ago. He said, “Brother, you need to train others.” What Dr. Arno did not know was God placed in my heart a vision to train others. However, I was struggling, at that time, to implement an effective program of training. The Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling provided that program and the rest is history. While we have not, so far, trained large numbers of students, God gives us a good balance between counseling others using the APS and training. I must admit, it is challenging at times to counsel and train, but when I hear and read testimonies that have been previously shared, God reminds me that I am in the center of His Will. Praise His Holy Name!
A big thank you to Drs. Richard and Phyllis Arno for their work and labor in researching and developing the APS, and willingly sharing it with others such that we all can experience, “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.” – Philippians 2:13
Betrothed: An Intimate Face-to-Face Walk With God
Four thousand years ago God chose a people for a specific purpose, which has remained constant to this very day. That purpose was to reveal His desire for an intimate relationship. Through their language, history, and culture we can come to an understanding of God’s nature as He reveals how to walk in a holy lifestyle. In Betrothed we see this plan of God revealed conceptually through the entirety of Scripture, that His ultimate goal is to select and prepare a bride for His Son. Many Christians today talk about being the Bride of Christ, but few realize the extent that God has gone to in bringing this reality to the heart of the believer. This is not only a place of position but a valid and real place of experience. We spend our Christian journey in the maze of performance and never fully realize that the major work for this intimate relationship has been provided through Jesus Christ. It has been lost to us through doctrines and theologies that have little or nothing to do with relationship itself. In Betrothed we understand, from God’s perspective, what it means to be married to His Son. Jesus spent much of His earthly ministry teaching us about His upcoming marriage. This understanding, however, has been clouded by the Western mindset to the point that marriage to Jesus has become simply a theological term with no real meaning. As we move back into a Hebraic understanding of the New Testament, the revelation of marriage to Jesus becomes remarkably clear. Statements of intimacy such as “Thou shalt have none other gods before me” (Deuteronomy 5:7) and “I go to prepare a place for you” (John 14:2) take on new and exciting meanings. Betrothed will leave the reader with a clearer picture of how to walk in a more intimate relationship with the Father. Many old beliefs will be challenged as one truly understands what it means to be the Bride of Christ. Betrothed is the experiential walk of an average believer who desires to find fullness in intimacy with God. Douglas A. Wheeler, PhD, ThD, is a pastor and professor teaching the Scriptures from the original Hebraic language, history and culture. Dr. Wheeler has authored other works, including The Menorah: A Picture of the Christian Life, Hebrew Bible Study Methodology, Benching and the Early Christian Meal, The Salt of the Earth, The Law of the Fringe, The Echad of God, and For the Love of God. Dr. Wheeler travels extensively, teaching on these and other subjects. He is currently senior pastor of Grace Fellowship Church. He is also president of Jubilee Christian College and Jubilee Graduate School of Jewish/Christian Studies. He is married to his wife, Joyce, of twenty-five years and has two sons and three grandchildren. The ultimate goal of his life is to walk in an ongoing personal, intimate relationship with the Lord and to teach others to do the same.
For more information click here.
In review, Control is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in respect to decision making, control and power.
The Phlegmatic in Control strengths: decision maker, delegator, negotiator, arbitrator, peacemaker, practical, stable, conservative.
The Phlegmatic in Control weaknesses: tendency to procrastinate, difficult to motivate, stubborn, uses verbal defenses that can be hurtful to others.
“A Phlegmatic is a Phlegmatic is a Phlegmatic.” Even though they are task oriented, a Phlegmatic still needs people. It does not matter whether they are a Phlegmatic in Inclusion, Control or Affection, the bottom line is: THEY NEED PEOPLE!
In this issue we are going to review possible questions a Phlegmatic in Control counselee might ask.
Q. Why do I resist people who are trying to control me?
A. You are highly independent and know your limitations; if you allow others to have control over you, you know that you may have to expend more time and energy than you have to invest.
Q. Why do I refuse to budge when someone suggests making changes to my work?
A. You believe that you have done your very best, and you do not want to use your energy fixing something that you believe is not broken.
Q. Why do I resent being asked or forced to redo my work needlessly?
A. These changes will require you to expend more of your time and energy.
Q. Why do I resist when I am asked to reconsider a decision?
A. You believe making good decisions is a time-consuming process. You do not make “snap” decisions; you take time to think and weigh your options, and you believe the decision you have made is a good decision. You also tend to feel that they are telling you that you did not do your best the first time.
Q. Why do I act aloof and distant when I am around people?
A. You do not want them to approach you since you just do not have the time or the energy to spend on them.
Q. Why do I avoid making a commitment when asked to participate in a project or an event?
A. You are trying to preserve your energy, and you do not want to obligate yourself to do something that you do not have the time or energy to give it your best.
Q. Why will I, at times, procrastinate after having been pushed into committing to do a project?
A. You may have overextended yourself and taken on more than you can handle; therefore, you may not have the energy or the time to complete it.
Q. Why am I always trying to keep the peace?
A. You have the God-given ability to work with people to keep the peace for all concerned.
Q. Why am I so willing to work to keep the peace?
A. You need peace in your life because strife will deplete you of your precious time and energy.
Q. Why am I a good negotiator?
A. You do not like conflict. Your motto could be: “Let’s make peace, not war.”
Q. Why do others look to me to help them with their decisions?
A. You have the capability of making good decisions since you tend to consider everything carefully before you make your initial decision.
Q. Why do others look to me to help them find people who can handle difficult situations?
A. You are good at researching and assessing what the job will entail, making it possible for you to select the right people for the right job.
Q. Why do I sometimes put people down with cutting and sarcastic remarks?
A. This is a defense mechanism to keep people from controlling you since you know that when you make these remarks people will “get off your back.”
Q. Why won’t I let people motivate me to make changes?
A. You do not believe in change for the sake of change. To you, change does not always make things better and may often make things worse. You must be convinced that a specific change will be helpful before you will support it.
Q. Why do I tend to use humorous and sometimes sarcastic remarks towards people if they don’t do something exactly the way I want it done?
A. You are a perfectionist and you do not tolerate imperfection. You tend to believe that if a job is worth doing, it is worth doing right.
Q. Why am I always “too tired”? Everything I do tends to drain me of my energy and my time.
A. You have a low energy level. In order to meet the needs of the day, you need to triage your priorities.
Q. Why do I procrastinate?
A. You do not want to use up your precious time and energy on something that you feel is needless or frivolous. You may also dread tackling a large project that you know will take a lot of time and energy to complete.
Q. Why do I, at times, tend to allow my children to make decisions on their own?
A. You usually do this when you are physically drained.
Q. Why will I, at other times, want to make decisions for my children?
A. Your decision is based on your need to protect your energy; if not making a decision will cause you to use more energy, then you will make a decision.
Q. Why do I go home and flop on the couch and stay there all evening?
A. You are exhausted; you have depleted your energy.
Q. Why do I want to snack in the evenings?
A. This is comfort food for you after having dealt with the pressures of the day, and, snacking gives you fuel and energy to stay awake and keep going.
Q. What can I do to help myself?
A. Enlightenment and understanding are the keys.
Learn to be aware that your dry humor can be humorous or it can be cutting, crude, and sometimes painful to those toward whom you are directing your remarks. You may not always realize that your humor is harsh as you use it as defense mechanism to protect your time and energy. “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14
Learn to stay involved in life. You can become so busy protecting your energy that life passes you by. To your family, you can become non-existent because of your non-involvement. You need to learn to triage your responsibilities so that you can spend time with your family. “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another.” Romans 12:10
Learn to take care of your physical body. You have the tendency to sit at the computer, watch television or take a nap in the evenings. By exercising and taking walks you will soon find that you have more energy. “What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.” I Corinthians 6:19-20
Learn to eat healthier and stop snacking on junk foods. Eating junk foods to reward or give yourself energy can only add to your stress. This is because you are filling your body with starches, etc., and depleting your already low energy. When you need a snack to indulge or to give you energy, snack on healthy foods. The key is to learn to maintain balance.“Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” I Corinthians 10:31
PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Phlegmatic in Control, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.