The Choleric in Control
By Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
We are going to examine the Choleric in Control. In review, Control is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in respect to decision making, control and power. The Choleric in Control strengths are: personable (charming), people motivators, leaders, well-organized, disciplined, confident.
The Choleric in Control weaknesses are: harsh temper, controlling, intolerance of weakness, lack of emotions, requires man’s recognition, chameleon (can be what ever it takes).
“A Choleric is a Choleric is a Choleric.” In other words, a Choleric needs people. It does not matter whether they are a Choleric in Inclusion, Control or Affection, the bottom line is: THEY NEED PEOPLE!
In this issue we are going to review possible questions a counselee might ask regarding their Choleric in Control spouse, child, co-worker, friends, family members, neighbors, etc.
Q. Why are they so independent?
A. They have confidence in making decisions and do not want to be dependent on others.
Q. Why must they always be in control?
A They were created to be leaders and they feel unfulfilled when they are not in control.
Q. Why do they prefer to “make the rules”?
A. They are good at making the rules.
Q. Why do they feel their way is always best when leading others?
A. They have confidence in their leadership abilities.
Q. Why are they constantly trying to make my decisions for me?
A. They feel that they know what is best for you.
Q. Why do they explode in anger when things don’t go their way?
A. They are not in control.
Q. Why do they become angry at me when I try to give them my input?
A. They feel that they do not need your input.
Q. Why do they constantly need to have recognition?
A. This is the encouragement that keeps them motivated.
Q . What will happen if they do not receive recognition?
A. They can become angry and may refuse to do anything more for you. This is their way of getting even or punishing you for not giving them the recognition and encouragement they want, need and feel they deserve.
Q. Why do they tell me they want to talk to me and want to bounce some things off me, but they don’t give me a chance to talk?
A. They need a sounding board. They really just want you to listen to them and as they are “bouncing” their ideas off to you, they are actually pulling their thoughts together.
Q. Why won’t they let me choose the college that I want to go to?
A. They believe they know the right school for you.
Q. Why won’t they let me choose the courses that I want to take?
A. They believe they know the direction you should take.
Q. Why will they walk away from a project if their ideas are rejected?
A. They are angry.
Q. Why do they get so upset when I cry?
A. They do not deal well with emotionalism since they do not understand emotions; therefore, they see it as a weakness. Their thought is, “Man up, don’t be wishy-washy.”
Q. Why do they appear at times to be very charming and then, when they don’t get their way, they can become mean and/or abusive?
A. They try to motive people with charm; however, if their charm does not work, they may use anger, and they can become mean and/or abusive.
Q. Why do I at times feel like I am just a machine to them?
A. Since they are task-oriented, they see people as “equipment” for them to use to get the job done.
Q. What can I do to help them when they are so angry?
A. Allow them time to cool off and then let them bounce their thoughts off you; this should help them see things more clearly.
Q. Why do I, at times, look at them and think, “Will the real YOU please stand up?”
A. They are like chameleons; they can be whatever it takes to accomplish their goals. Sometimes they do not even know who they really are.
Q. Why is my child so controlling in school? I am always receiving calls from the school informing me that they are telling their teacher how to run the class.
A. They have strong leadership capabilities and it comes naturally to them to do this, so they need to learn to submit to those in authority.
Q. What are some of the ways other temperaments may respond to the Choleric in Control?
A. The Melancholy might say: “Don’t try to control me. I can make my own decisions.”
The Phlegmatic might say: “Don’t tell me what to do; back off. I am too tired.”
The Sanguine might say: “I am out of here. If you don’t like my input, I quit.”
The Supine might say: “I have served and helped you, and now you will not help me. I am done! I quit.”
Q. How can I live with this Choleric in Control? They are stressing me! They treat me like I am a child who is not capable of making decisions!
A. Enlightenment and understanding is the key.
Encourage them to dedicate their achievements to God and seek His recognition and approval. “For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works.” Matthew 16:27
Encourage them to seek the Lord’s help in learning how to submit to authority. A good leader needs to learn how to submit to authority before they can effectively be the authority. “Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves….” Hebrews 13:17a
Encourage them to become more sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Just because they cannot feel the emotions of others does not mean they should hold them in contempt and be disrespectful to them. “For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.” John 13:15
Encourage them to deal with their anger more constructively. “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26
PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Choleric in Control you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.
In the next issue we will cover possible questions a Choleric in Control counselee might ask.