The Melancholy in Control
by Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
In review, Control is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in respect to decision making, control and power.
The Melancholy in Control strengths include: good decision-making and leadership capabilities in known areas, need for little control over the lives and behaviors of others, ability to work with others, dependability, responsibility, reliability, need for truth and order, and self-motivation.
The Melancholy in Control weaknesses include: fear of the unknown, rigidity, inflexibility, sensitivity to failure, rebelliousness, procrastination, and being strong-willed.
“A Melancholy is a Melancholy is a Melancholy.” Even though they are task oriented, a Melancholy still needs people. It does not matter whether they are a Melancholy in Inclusion, Control or Affection, the bottom line is: THEY NEED PEOPLE!
In this issue we are going to review possible questions a MELANCHOLY IN CONTROL might ask about himself/herself.
- Q. Why do I say, “Wait, and give me a little time before I have to make changes?”
- A. You fear change.
- Q. Why do I fear change?
- A. Change forces you into unknown areas.
- Q. Why is this so difficult for me?
- A. You are afraid you will fail.
- Q. Why do I procrastinate?
- A. You need time for the unknown to become known so you can make what you believe is the right decision.
- Q. Why can’t I just go ahead and make a decision and not be concerned if it is right or wrong?
- A. You are afraid you will look foolish and incompetent and people won’t respect you.
- Q. Why will I hurry to complete a project and not check my work for errors?
- A. You have the need to look competent, and this is more important to you than the actual competency.
- Q. Why does it make me angry when someone points out my mistakes?
- A. You think this makes you look irresponsible, and you are angry at yourself for making the mistake.
- Q. Why am I so hard on myself if I make a mistake?
- A. You feel that you have not lived up to your expectations of perfection.
- Q. Why will I do the exact opposite when someone tells me how to do something or tells me how they think the job should be done?
- A. You do not like to be controlled.
- Q. Why will it upset me and make me angry if someone challenges a decision that I have made?
- A. They may have challenged you in a “known area,” and you do not need or want their input.
- Q. Why will I, at times, go along with other people’s suggestions?
- A. You may need their input because you are in an “unknown” area and do not feel qualified to make the decision.
- Q. Why am I more willing to do something for someone when they say, “Would you do this for me?” or “Could you do this for me?”
- A. You like the words “would you” or “could you.” When people say these words, you do not feel controlled because they are asking you, not telling you.
- Q. Why will I follow some people’s advice and not others’?
- A. You will tend to follow someone that you feel knows what they are talking about. In other words, if a person has proven that they are knowledgeable in a specific area, you will be open to take advice from them.
- Q. Why do I become stressed if I have to make a snap or quick decision?
- A. You feel incapable of making a decision until you have had ample time to assess the situation and have the full picture of what is going on.
- Q. Why do I maintain the rule “one strike and you are out” if someone lies to me?
- A. You expect and need truthfulness from people. If they lie to you, you will have a difficult time ever trusting them again.
- Q. Why do I have a difficult time disciplining my children?
- A. You do not like to be a disciplinarian.
- Q. Why do I tend to want my children to make their own decisions?
- A. It is too stressful for you to make them. It is stressful enough for you to make your own decisions, let alone to make decisions for others.
- Q. Why does it disturb me when I see injustice around me?
- A. You believe everybody should do the right thing, and if they do not, you believe you need to do something about it now, not later.
- Q. What can I do to help myself?
- A. Learn to:
- 1. Develop a close relationship with the Lord and seek His help in facing your fears of the unknown. He is just a prayer away. See II Timothy 1:7: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
- 2. Trust God to help you make your decisions; then you will not have the stress of making your decisions alone. See John 16: 13a: “Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth….”
- 3. Take time to check your work and do it as unto the Lord. In so doing, you will not only look competent, but you will be competent and you will feel better about yourself. See Luke 16:10a: “He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much…”
- 4. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. When you do become angry at yourself, you need to remember that you are human and will make mistakes. God only expects you to do your best and knows that you will make mistakes as only Jesus is perfect. See Ephesians 1:7: “In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace.”
- 5. Forgive those who have wronged you and done you harm. God has forgiven you of your sins and mistakes. See Ephesians 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Melancholy in Control, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.