Temperament Corner

A PEARL OF GREAT VALUE
MELANCHOLY IN INCLUSION

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

 

Matthew 13:45-46 (NIV) tells us:“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”

 

God sees each of us as a pearl of great value. He paid dearly for us with His Son, Jesus! We are more valuable and precious to Him than we can ever imagine!

As counselors, people come to you hurting and broken; they tend to feel that they have no value, that they are invisible, hidden, overlooked, and that nobody cares.

Can you, as a counselor, see them as a pearl of great value, as God does?Pearl

Question: “Why is a pearl so valuable?”

The answer is: “In order to have a pearl of great value, the pearl must go through a tremendous amount of irritation; and during the process, it becomes refined and beautiful.”

Some pearls have more irritations than others, just as some people have more irritations than others.

The people that come to you are going through irritations—emotionally, physically and/or spiritually.

Many times when your counselees are going through their hurts, pains and suffering, they tend to feel that there is no hope.

You, as a temperament counselor, have a calling on your life—to help God’s hurting people.

You are there to give them HOPE – Jesus!

God wants you to see each person that comes to you as a “pearl of great value.”

With the APS profile God has given us insight into how He created us with our strengths, weaknesses and needs—an inside look at His pearls of great value.

Since you too, have gone through a refining process with your hurts and suffering and pain, you can use what you have gone through to help and encourage your counselees.

We are going to look at the Melancholy in Inclusion to see what may be irritating and causing them pain and stress in this area:

1. Interacting with people.

Melancholies in Inclusion need a minimal amount of interaction with people because they are loners and task oriented, not relationship oriented. They do not feel comfortable being around people and tend to be guarded when they are.

Physically, because they are loners, being pushed or forced into socializing for long periods of time may cause them to suffer migraines, headaches, ulcers, and other physical problems

Emotionally, interacting with people too much will cause them to become angry, resentful, withdrawn and moody.

Spiritually, if forced to interact with people for long periods of time, they may become so stressed that they will pull away from God—they do not want to interact with anyone, including God.

They need to learn to stay involved with their relationships and learn to maintain balance between being alone and socializing. They also need to learn that during times of physical and emotional stress they need to stay close to the Lord.

See I John 1:7: (KJV) “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.” See also Galatians 6:2.

2. Striving for perfection.

Melancholies in Inclusion tend to have low self-esteem, and they tend to expect perfection from themselves and others. They tend to feel that if they can become perfect enough, they will then have value; however, they will never be able to measure up to their own standard of perfection.

Because of the high standards they set for themselves and others, they can become angry, frustrated and stressed. This is because they tend to have a   difficult time completing their goals as they will keep reworking a project until they “dig” themselves into a “pit” and can’t complete the project.

Physically, when the stress becomes too much for them, they may tend to neglect their physical body by not eating properly and exercising.

Emotionally, when they are unable to deal with everyday life, they will avoid being with people because of their fear of criticism about their imperfections.

Spiritually, they will tend to feel that they are not good enough for God, so they will avoid going to church, reading the Holy Scriptures and socializing with Christians.

They need to learn to give themselves and others the right to be imperfectotherwise, they will never believe that they are good enough for God. They need to remember that only God is perfect and we are all works in progress.”

See Hebrews 13:20, 21: (KJV) “Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well-pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” See also I John 2:5 and I John 4:12. 3.

3. Inability to shut off their mind.

Melancholies in Inclusion tend to replay over and over again in their mind negative incidents that have occurred in their life. They tend to actually relive past incidents as if they just happened! This will keep them from forgiving and forgetting.

Melancholies in Inclusion also tend to perceive rejection where none exists; this is because of their low self-esteem.

Physically, because of their inability to shut off their mind, forgive and forget, they will tend to become withdrawn and pull farther away from family and friends. They will tend to not be able to sleep as their mind keeps reviewing the past hurts, and they will lack the energy to do anything but think. They may even neglect their personal hygiene.

Emotionally, they can become incapable of communicating with others as they are so engrossed in reliving incidents from the past. This may even cause them to shut down emotionally.

Spiritually, if they cannot shut off their mind, they will have no time for prayer, attending church or Bible studies.

They need to learn to stop focusing on the negative, forgive and move forward, and be more trusting in God. They need to bind their mind to Him so that they will be thinking His thoughts—not theirs.

See Philippians 4:8: (KJV) “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” See also Isaiah 26:3 and Isaiah 43:18.

4. Fear regarding finances.

This will cause them stress because they tend to live in the fear of not being able to support their family and pay the bills.

Physically, they can spend sleepless nights worrying and stressing about how they can pay their bills. They will either tend to eat little or binge eat. They may even take on an additional job or two to help pay bills.

Emotionally, they can also become angry and irritated because they think their family is spending too much money on things they do not need. If they confront the family about their spending, this will tend to cause conflict and additional stress.

Spiritually, their stress can cause them to be so preoccupied with finances that they do not think they have the time to spend with the Lord.

They need to learn to face their fears and work out a budget. Many times their fears are dwelling on the “what if’s.”

They need to learn to look to God and put their trust in Him. He will guide them and give them peace regarding their finances.

See Isaiah 41:10: (KJV) “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” See also Psalm 34:8 and Matthew 6:28-30.

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Melancholy in Inclusion you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

In the next issue we will look at the Pearl of Great Value—Phlegmatic in Inclusion.

 

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Temperament Corner

A PEARL OF GREAT VALUE CHOLERIC IN INCLUSION

Matthew 13:45-46 (NIV) tells us: “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”

God sees each of us as a pearl of great value. He paid dearly for us with His Son, Jesus! We are more valuable and precious to Him than we can ever imagine!

As counselors, people come to you hurting and broken; they tend to feel that they have no value, that they are invisible, hidden, overlooked, and that nobody cares.

Can you, as a counselor, see them as a pearl of great value, as God does?

PearlQuestion: “Why is a pearl so valuable?”

The answer is: “For a pearl to have great value, the pearl must go through a tremendous amount of irritation; and during the process, it becomes refined and beautiful.”

Some pearls have more irritations than others, just as some people have more irritations than others.

The people that come to you are going through irritations—emotionally, physically and or spiritually.

Many times when your counselees are going through their hurts, pains, and suffering, they tend to feel that there is no hope.

You, as a temperament counselor, have a calling on your life—to help God’s hurting people.

You are there to give them HOPE – Jesus!

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

God wants you to see each person that comes to you as a “pearl of great value.”

With the APS profile, God has given us insight into how He created us with our strengths, weaknesses, and needs—an inside look at His pearls of great value.

Since you too have gone through a refining process with your hurts and suffering and pain, you can use what you have gone through to help and encourage your counselees.

We are going to look at the Choleric in Inclusion to see what may be irritating and causing them pain and stress in this area:

Inability to fulfill their temperament need for controlling social relationships because, as leaders in the Inclusion area, they tend not to want others to reject their leadership decisions. This can cause them stress because of their need to receive recognition and approval for their accomplishments, not rejection. They need to look to the Lord for His recognition and approval; He will never reject them.

See Galatians 1:10: (KJV) “For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.” “Thou will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee.” Isaiah 26:3)

  1. Need for perfection from themselves and others. This can cause them stress because of their high goals or expectations. At times, they may feel that their needs for perfection cannot be met because of the imperfection of others, and they can become intolerant, impatient, angry and frustrated. They need to learn to allow themselves, as well as others, to be imperfect, for only God is perfect. They must also learn to forgive and stop being angry at themselves for their imperfection as God understands our weaknesses and, as we submit them to Him, He will do the perfecting.

    See Zechariah 4:6b: (KJV) “…Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts.”

  2. Inability to say “no” when asked to take on multiple leadership positions in this area. This can cause them stress, irritability and eventually even burnout because they may overload and spread themselves too thin. They need to learn to seek God’s will and let Him direct their steps in order to alleviate their stress.

    See Isaiah 58:1la (KJV) “And the Lord shall guide thee continually….”Also see Proverbs 3:5-6.)

  3. The uncertainty of who they really are at any given time. This will cause them stress because they can wear so many different “masks,” (whatever it takes to accomplish their goals) that, at times, they are uncertain which mask they are wearing. Since they are not sure of who they really are at times, the may feel like imposters and may fear others will think they are imposters too. They need to learn that God always knows who they are and, when they are “riding” that emotional roller coaster, God will smooth things out for them—if they ask Him to.

See Psalm 13:1-2: (KJV) “O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.”

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Choleric in Inclusion you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

In the next issue, we will look at the Pearl of Great Value—Melancholy in Inclusion.

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Temperament Corner

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

WHAT IS LOVE?—SUPINE IN AFFECTION

How many times have you, as a counselor, been asked?

“WHAT IS LOVE?”

Your first response would be to tell them “GOD IS LOVE” (I John 4:16) and direct them to read John 3:16: “For God so loved the world…” (See also I John 4:8-10).

Your second response would probably be to direct them to I CORINTHIANS 13: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love.…”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY HUSBAND, MY CHILDREN, AND MY FAMILY?”

Your response could be to tell them that they need to love them with God’s love and direct them to read I John 4:12b: “…If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY DEEP RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD’S LOVE?”

Your response could be to explain to them that after giving their heart to Jesus, His perfect love will flow through them. The only way they can truly love their deep relationships is by stepping aside and allowing Him to love their deep relationships through them.

Now it is no longer their imperfect love that is loving their deep relationships; it is His perfect love flowing through them.

Dr. Douglas A. Wheeler points out in his book Betrothed: “We need to learn to accept God’s love.” He wrote: “The love of God has nothing to do with you and all to do with Him. You cannot earn the love of God, because it was there for you from the foundation of the world.”

Your counselees need to learn to rest in God’s love and not strive to meet their own needs for love and affection because God will supply their needs. In so doing, they will be able to meet the needs of their deep relationships. Nehemiah 8:10 tells us “…for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Putting Jesus first, then Others, then Yourself = JOY!

Psalm 139:14 tells us that God is our Creator: I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

As you know, we are triune beings made up of BODY, SOUL and SPIRIT.

Our BODY is our physical makeup.

Our SOUL encompasses our mind, will and emotions. In temperament we call these areas of the SOUL: Inclusion, Control and Affection.

Mary said in Luke 1:46-47: “My SOUL doth magnify the Lord, and my SPIRIT  hath rejoiced in God my Savior.”

Our SPIRIT is our only connecting link with God.

John 4:24 tells us: “God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.”

Since our Spirit is our only connecting link with our Lord, how can we help our counselees make that connection?

By teaching them that they need to have their Body, Soul and Spirit in balance.

Each area of the Soul (Inclusion, Control, Affection) is trying to meet its needs—either in godly or ungodly ways.

Once we help our counselees learn how to bring balance to their Soul area, then the Spirit can take His rightful place. We are going to look at ways we can help our counselees line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

In review, Affection is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory connection with deep relationships for love and affection.

The needs within the temperament range from expressing love and affection to all deep relationships to expressing love and affection to only a select few.

They also vary from wanting love and affection from all deep relationships to wanting love and affection from only a select few.

Affection is the need:

  1. To express and receive love and approval.
  2. For deep personal relationships.

Affection determines:

  1. How many of our emotions we share.
  2. How emotionally guarded or emotionally open we are.

Affection is unique because:

  1. The temperament needs of Affection cannot be genuinely met without a deep, emotionally close relationship with our Lord.
  2. It determines how intimate we are with the extremely close people in our lives, and it also determines the depth of our feelings.

Each person tends to see the Lord from their temperament perspective. Their individual temperament affects their interaction with the Lord.

They will tend to express love and affection to the Lord in the same manner as they express love and affection to their deep relationships.

If they resist opening up and establishing deep, intimate relationships with others, they may also resist a deep, intimate relationship with the Lord.

Jesus Christ is the Living Word, and when we accept Him as our Lord and Savior, He reveals the Written Word (The Holy Bible) to us.

All He wants in return is for us to ask Him into our heart and to love Him with all our heart.

In other words, the temperament need of Affection cannot be fully met without a deep, emotionally close relationship with our Lord.

In this issue we are going to look at some of the Supine in Affection tendencies and what they need to do in order to line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

SUPINES IN AFFECTION TEND TO:

  1. Be responders rather than initiators for two reasons:
    1. They have a high fear of rejection
    2. They feel that if their deep relationships initiate, their love will then be genuine.
  2. Feel worthless and unlovable at times. They see value in others but not themselves, so they are unable to understand who could love them; therefore, they will be constantly looking for reasons why their deep relationships should not love them.
  3. Be tenderhearted and emotional. They have a capacity of serving their deep relationships, but they need recognition for what they do; otherwise, they will feel used and become bitter and angry.
  4. Internalize their anger and mask it as “hurt” feelings. They prefer saying their “feelings are hurt” rather than saying “I am angry.” This is because they believe that their deep relationships should know that they “hurt their feelings.”
  5. Cry when they become emotional because they do not know how to deal with the rejection from their deep relationships.
  6. Require and will respond to a great deal of love and affection. They will respond with touching, hugging and kissing, as well as responding by serving and performing tasks for their deep relationships. They need intimacy as much as the actual act of sex because they need to be hugged and cuddled.
  7. Perceive rejection and become easily offended and insulted, especially when their deep relationships do not initiate love and affection.

SUPINES IN AFFECTION NEED TO:

  1. Learn that God created them and loves them so much. He wants them to open up their heart and let His love flow through them. When they do this, the love that flows through them will be God’s genuine, perfect loveand as we know, “perfect love casteth out all fear! See I John 4:18: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”
  2. Learn that their feelings of worthlessness and of being unlovable are just that, feelings. The fact is that God loves them so much that He sacrificed his own son on the cross to atone for their sins. See John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” See also II Thessalonians 2:16-17: “Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts, and stablish you in every good word and work.”
  3. Learn to look to God for recognition and approval, not to their deep relationships so that they do not feel used and become bitter and angry. See Ephesians 4:31: (NIV) “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” See also Philippians 4:19: “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” See also Proverbs 15:13: “A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance….”
  4. Learn to admit that when they say their “feelings are hurt,” they are actually saying “I am angry.” Once they admit that are actually angry, they need to learn to deal with this anger by forgiving the person who angered them. See Ephesians 4:26: “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” See also Colossians 3:12-13: “Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
  5. Learn that it is okay to express their emotions by crying, just as Luke wrote in the book of Acts . See Acts 20:19a: “Serving the Lord with all humility of mind, and with many tears….” Jesus wept when he was told Lazarus had died. See John 11:35-36: “Jesus wept. Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!” See Psalm 56:8: Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?”
  6. Learn to initiate love and affection. The Holy Scriptures tell us to love God with all our heart, mind and soul, so that His perfect love can flow through us. See Matthew 22:37-38: “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, And with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment.” See also I John 4:12b: “If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”
  7. Learn that when they perceive rejection from their deep relationships, and they become offended and insulted, they need to turn to God’s Word, the Bible. The Bible tells us that God is always with them and that His perfect love cast out all fears of rejection. See Isaiah 41:10: “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” See Ephesians 3:17-19: That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; and to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God.”

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Supine in Affection, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

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Temperament Corner

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

 

WHAT IS LOVE?—SANGUINE IN AFFECTION

How many times have you, as a counselor, been asked?

“WHAT IS LOVE?”

Your first response could be to tell them “GOD IS LOVE” (I John 4:16) and direct them to read John 3:16: “For God so loved the world….” (See also I John 4:8-10.)

Your second response could even be to direct them to I CORINTHIANS 13: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love.…”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY HUSBAND, MY CHILDREN, AND MY FAMILY?”

Your response could be to tell them that they need to love them with God’s love and direct them to read I John 4:12b: “…If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY DEEP RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD’S LOVE?”

Your responses could be to explain to them that after giving their heart to Jesus, His perfect love will flow through them. The only way they can truly love their deep relationships is by stepping aside and allowing Him to love their deep relationships through Him.

Now it is no longer their imperfect love that is loving their deep relationships; it is His perfect love flowing through them.

Dr. Douglas A. Wheeler points out in his book Betrothed: “We need to learn to accept God’s love.” He wrote: “The love of God has nothing to do with you and all to do with Him. You cannot earn the love of God, because it was there for you from the foundation of the world.”

Your counselees need to learn to rest in God’s love and not strive to meet their own needs for love and affection because God will supply their needs. In so doing, they will be able to meet the needs of their deep relationships.

Nehemiah 8:10 tells us, “…for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Putting Jesus first, then Others, then Yourself = JOY!

Psalm 139:14 tells us that God is our Creator: “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

As you know, we are triune beings made up of BODY, SOUL and SPIRIT.

Our BODY is our physical makeup.

Our SOUL encompasses our mind, will and emotions. In temperament we call
these areas of the SOUL: Inclusion, Control and Affection.

Mary said in Luke 1:46-47: “My SOUL doth magnify the Lord, and
my SPIRIT hath rejoiced in God my Savior.”

Our SPIRIT is our only connecting link with God.

John 4:24 tells us: “God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must
worship him in spirit and in truth.”

Since our Spirit is our only connecting link with our Lord, how can we help our counselees make that connection?

By teaching them that they need to have their Body, Soul and Spirit in balance.

Each area of the Soul (Inclusion, Control, Affection) is trying to meet its needs—either in godly or ungodly ways.

Once we help our counselees learn how to bring balance to their Soul area, then the Spirit can take its rightful place.

We are going to look at ways we can help our counselees line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

In review, Affection is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory connection with deep relationships for love and affection.

The needs within the temperament range from expressing love and affection to all deep relationships to expressing love and affection to only a select few.

They also vary from wanting love and affection from all deep relationships to wanting love and affection from only a select few.

Affection is the need:

1. To express and receive love and approval.
2. For deep personal relationships.

Affection determines:

1. How many of our emotions we share.
2. How emotionally guarded or emotionally open we are.

Affection is unique because:

1. The temperament needs of Affection cannot be genuinely met without a deep,
emotionally close relationship with our Lord.
2. It determines how intimate we are with the extremely close people in
our lives, and it also determines the depth of our feelings.

Each person tends to see the Lord from their temperament perspective. Their individual temperament affects their interaction with the Lord.

They will tend to express love and affection to the Lord in the same manner as they express love and affection to their deep relationships.

If they resist opening up and establishing deep, intimate relationships with others, they may also resist a deep, intimate relationship with the Lord.

Jesus Christ is the Living Word, and when we accept Him as our Lord and Savior, He reveals the Written Word (The Holy Bible) to us.

All He wants in return is for us to ask Him into our heart and to love Him with all our heart.

In other words, the temperament need of Affection cannot be fully met without a deep, emotionally close relationship with our Lord.

In this issue we are going to look at some of the Sanguine in Affection tendencies and what they need to do in order to line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

SANGUINES IN AFFECTION TEND TO:

  1. Express their love and affection to their deep relationships by touching because touching helps them to feel “connected. Touching includes snuggling, hugging, holding hands,  kissing, etc. They also tend to like to verbalize their love and affection.
  2. Establish and maintain deep relationships with many people.
  3. Live in the “now.” They need to receive a great deal of love and affection from their deep relationships “right now.” They also need to be told that they are loved “right now, for yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.
  4. Try harder to please their deep relationships, especially when they fear their overtures of love and affection are being rejected.
  5. Say and do things that they know are wrong, but do them anyhow to keep from being rejected.
  6. Be highly emotional and may explode in outbursts of anger when rejected by their deep relationships; however, this anger does not last very long, and they soon forget why they were angry. After an angry outburst, they are ready to “kiss and make up.”
  7. Go into a downward “swing” and become moody and depressed when rejected by their deep relationships.

SANGUINES IN AFFECTION NEED TO:

  1. Learn that they can overwhelm or smother their deep relationships with their constant expressions of love and affection, so they need to learn not to make ungodly demands on their deep relationships. I John 4:12 tells them: “…If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”
  2. Learn to establish and maintain a deep relationship with God as diligently as they pursue deep relationships with people. They can never overwhelm or smother God with their constant expressions of love and affection. God will always be there for them. Matthew 22:37 tells them: “… Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.”
  3. Learn not to just use their deep relationships to meet their own needs, but rather to love them as God loves them: John 15:12 tells them: “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”
  4. Learn that they cannot expect their deep relationships to act and react as they do because their deep relationships may not express and want the same amount of love and affection that Sanguines express and want. I Corinthians 13: 4-5 tells them: “Charity (love) suffereth long, and is kind; charity (love) envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own….”
  5. Learn not to say and do things they know are wrong because of their fear of rejection. Philippians 4:8 tells them: “Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
  6. Learn to discipline themselves and count to ten before exploding in anger. Ecclesiastes 7:9 tells them: “Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.” See also Ephesians 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
  7. Learn when they are rejected by deep relationships, and they “swing” down and become moody and depressed, to turn to God’s Word, the Bible. When they do this, they will discover that God is always there for them and that He is their constant companion—they are never alone. By knowing this, they will be able to “swing” back  and be the upbeat and inspiring person God created them to be. Hebrews 13:5b tells them: “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Sanguine in Affection, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

In the next issue we will look at “What is Love?—Supine in Affection.”

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Temperament Corner

                                 

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

 

                                WHAT IS LOVE?—PHLEGMATIC IN AFFECTION

How many times have you, as a counselor, been asked?

“WHAT IS LOVE?”

Your first response could be to tell them “GOD IS LOVE” (I John 4:16) and direct them to read John 3:16: “For God so loved the world….” (See also I John 4:8-10.)

Your second response could even be to direct them to I CORINTHIANS 13: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love.…”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY HUSBAND, MY CHILDREN, AND MY FAMILY?”

Your response could be to tell them that they need to love them with God’s love and direct them to read I John 4:12b: “…If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY DEEP RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD’S LOVE?”

Your responses could be to explain to them that after giving their heart to Jesus, His perfect love will flow through them. The only way they can truly love their deep relationships is by stepping aside and allowing Him to love their deep relationships through Him.

Now it is no longer their imperfect love that is loving their deep relationships; it is His perfect love flowing through them.

Dr. Douglas A. Wheeler points out in his book Betrothed: “We need to learn to accept God’s love.” He wrote: “The love of God has nothing to do with you and all to do with Him. You cannot earn the love of God, because it was there for you from the foundation of the world.”

Your counselees need to learn to rest in God’s love and not strive to meet their own needs for love and affection because God will supply their needs. In so doing, they will be able to meet the needs of their deep relationships.

Nehemiah 8:10 tells us, “…for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Putting Jesus first, then Others, then Yourself = JOY!

Psalm 139:14 tells us that God is our Creator: “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

As you know, we are triune beings made up of BODY, SOUL and SPIRIT.

Our BODY is our physical makeup.

Our SOUL encompasses our mind, will and emotions. In temperament we call
these areas of the SOUL: Inclusion, Control and Affection.

Mary said in Luke 1:46-47: “My SOUL doth magnify the Lord, and
my SPIRIT hath rejoiced in God my Savior.”

Our SPIRIT is our only connecting link with God.

John 4:24 tells us: “God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must
worship him in spirit and in truth.”

Since our Spirit is our only connecting link with our Lord, how can we help our counselees make that connection?

By teaching them that they need to have their Body, Soul and Spirit in balance.

Each area of the Soul (Inclusion, Control, Affection) is trying to meet its needs—either in godly or ungodly ways.

Once we help our counselees learn how to bring balance to their Soul area, then the Spirit can take its rightful place.

We are going to look at ways we can help our counselees line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

In review, Affection is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory connection with deep relationships for love and affection.

The needs within the temperament range from expressing love and affection to all deep relationships to expressing love and affection to only a select few.

They also vary from wanting love and affection from all deep relationships to wanting love and affection from only a select few.

Affection is the need:

1. To express and receive love and approval.
2. For deep personal relationships.

Affection determines:

1. How many of our emotions we share.
2. How emotionally guarded or emotionally open we are.

Affection is unique because:

1. The temperament needs of Affection cannot be genuinely met without a deep,
emotionally close relationship with our Lord.
2. It determines how intimate we are with the extremely close people in
our lives, and it also determines the depth of our feelings.

Each person tends to see the Lord from their temperament perspective. Their individual temperament affects their interaction with the Lord.

They will tend to express love and affection to the Lord in the same manner as they express love and affection to their deep relationships.

If they resist opening up and establishing deep, intimate relationships with others, they may also resist a deep, intimate relationship with the Lord.

Jesus Christ is the Living Word, and when we accept Him as our Lord and Savior, He reveals the Written Word (The Holy Bible) to us.

All He wants in return is for us to ask Him into our heart and to love Him with all our heart.

In other words, the temperament need of Affection cannot be fully met without a deep, emotionally close relationship with our Lord.

In this issue we are going to look at some of the Phlegmatic in Affection tendencies and what they need to do in order to line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

PHLEGMATICS IN AFFECTION TEND TO:

1. Have low energy and can be overly protective of this low energy.

2. Be an observer of their deep relationships because of fear of draining their low energy.

3. Use their dry sense of humor as a means of keeping their deep relationships from exhausting their low energy.

4. Prefer their deep, personal relationships express a minimal amount of touch, hugging and kissing.

5. Reject expressions of love and affection if it is not expressed in a manner with which
they feel comfortable.

6. Be emotionally guarded and can appear selfish and uncaring to their deep relationships.

7. Be perfectionistic and critical of their deep relationships.

8. Frustrate and irritate their deep relationships when using their dry sense of humor because they do not know if they are serious or joking.

PHLEGMATICS IN AFFECTION NEED TO:

1. Learn to be less protective of their low energy and make an effort to stay involved with their deep relationships. See Psalm 18:1: “I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.”

2. Learn to stop being just an observer and become involved. See I John 4:18: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment.”

3. Learn that their dry sense of humor can be frustrating and irritating to their deep relationships. See Romans 14:19: “Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.”

4. Learn to come out of their comfort zone and be willing to accept the touches, hugs, and kisses from their deep relationships. See II Timothy 1:7: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

5. Learn to accept rather than reject expressions of love and affection from their deep relationships. See I Peter 1:22: “Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently.”

6. Learn to take off their “mask” that makes them appear selfish and uncaring. See Romans 12:9: “Let love be without dissimulation (concealing true nature)….”

7. Learn to see their deep relationships with the “Eyes of Christ” and accept them as God created them. See I John 4:12: “No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”

8. Learn to choose their words carefully when they are making humorous remarks trying to protect their energy as they can be, at times, cutting or hurtful. See Proverbs 15:23: “A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!” See also Proverbs 25:11: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Phlegmatic in Affection, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

In the next issue we will look at What is Love?—Sanguine in Affection.

 

Temperament Corner

JESUS!  THE GREATEST GIFT

The greatest gift of all is from our Heavenly Father. He gave us His Son, Jesus Christ, to come into this world to live and die so that we might live with Him eternally!

                     “For God so loved the world,

                             that he gave his only begotten Son,

                                    that whosoever believeth in him

                                           should not perish,

                                                  but have everlasting life.”  John 3:16

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

I so love celebrating Christmas!  I love to sing the Christmas hymns and be with the family. It is also fun to reminisce about the wonderful and sometimes hectic times we had with our family on Christmas Eve.

At Christmastime the air is full of excitement!  I believe the excitement is still here from when the angels came to the shepherds so long ago.

Luke 2: 8-10 tells us:

“And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior which is Christ the Lord.”

Can you imagine the electricity and excitement in the air when the angels of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them? It was probably a quiet night; then, all of a sudden Heaven lit up and God’s angels were singing, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” (Luke 2:14)  The Scriptures say the shepherds were sore afraid, but they must have also felt the excitement.

Luke 2:15 tells us:

“And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.”

Luke 2:20 tells us:

“And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.”

Matthew 2: 1-2 tells us:

“Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.”

Matthew 2:11 tells us:

“And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts.”

Gold – Precious metal.  It could have financed Joseph’s and Mary’s trip to Egypt.            

Frankincense Highly fragrant when burned and was used in worship, where it burned as a pleasant offering to God (Exodus 30:34).

Myrrh —Spice that was used in embalming.  Myrrh symbolizes bitterness, suffering and affliction.

We, too, can bring Him our gifts. What can we give him? Our hearts! We do this by accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior!

Let’s review some of the ways giving their heart to Jesus will affect the five temperaments.

When the Choleric gives their heart to Jesus, they will:

1.  Desire to submit to God’s will for their life.

2.  Trust God to guide their steps.

3.  Become the leaders God created them to be.

4.  Look to God, not man, for their recognition and approval.

5.  Be able to love their deep relationships in ways that are not controlling and demanding.   

When the Melancholy gives their heart to Jesus, they will:

1.  Desire to submit to God’s will for their life.

2.  Learn to trust God, and become more trusting of people.

3.  Become less fearful of the unknown, less rigid and inflexible, and less sensitive to failure.

4.  Be more forgiving of those that have wronged them.

5.  Be able to express love and affection to their deep relationships without the fear of rejection.

When the Phlegmatic gives their heart to Jesus, they will:

1.  Desire to submit to God’s will for their life.

2.  Become more flexible with people and more involved in life rather than just be an observer.

3.  Trust God to direct their steps as they know He will not give them more than what their low energy can handle.

4.   Be less prone to express their humor in a hurtful manner.

5.  Be more willing to express love and affection to their deep relationships rather than always trying to preserve their energy.

When the Sanguine gives their heart to Jesus, they will:

1.  Desire to submit to God’s will for their life.

2.  Know that He will never leave or forsake them.

3.  Consider Him their best friend, and trust Him to direct their steps.

4.  Be less likely to follow the wrong crowd because they will be less fearful of rejection.

5.  Be less likely to make ungodly demands on their deep relationships.

When the Supine gives their heart to Jesus, they will:

1.  Desire to submit to God’s will for their life.

2.  Not feel rejected because they know that God is always with them and they are never alone.

3. Trust Him to help them with their decisions rather than always relying on family and friends.

4.  Learn to maintain balance in their life by seeking God’s guidance when they take on responsibilities.

5.  Be able to express Godly love to those around them rather than sitting back waiting for others to express first.

Psalm 23: 3 tells us that He restores our soul and leads us in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

In order for Him to restore our soul, we need to submit our hearts to God.

When we submit our heart to Jesus, He gives us a new, clean heart.  Old things have passed away, and we will then desire to do His will and please Him with all that we say and do. See Ezekiel 36:26.

In order to do our part, we need to:
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

May this Christmas season be a time of expressing God’s abiding love to those around you, and may you be filled with His inexplicable JOY!

                                                   J ESUS

                                                  O THERS

                                                  Y OU!

 

Temperament Corner

WHAT IS LOVE? — MELANCHOLY IN AFFECTION

How many times have you, as a counselor, been asked?

“WHAT IS LOVE?”

Your first response would be to tell them GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:16) and direct them to read John 3:16: “For God so loved the world…” (See also I John 4:8-10.)

Your second response would probably be to direct them to I CORINTHIANS 13: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love.…”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY HUSBAND, MY CHILDREN, AND MY FAMILY?

Your response could be to tell them that they need to love them with God’s love and direct them to read I John 4:12b: “…If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY DEEP RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD’S LOVE?”

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

Your responses could be to explain to them that after giving their heart to Jesus, His perfect love will flow through them. The only way they can truly love their deep relationships is by stepping aside and allowing Him to love their deep relationships through them.

Now it is no longer their imperfect love that is loving their deep relationships; it is His perfect love flowing through them.

Dr. Douglas A. Wheeler points out in his book Betrothed: “We need to learn to accept God’s love.” He wrote: “The love of God has nothing to do with you and all to do with Him. You cannot earn the love of God because it was there for you from the foundation of the world.”

Your counselees need to learn to rest in God’s love and not strive to meet their own needs for love and affection because God will supply their needs. In so doing, they will be able to meet the needs of their deep relationships.

Nehemiah 8:10 tells us …for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Putting Jesus first, then Others, then Yourself = JOY!

Psalm 139:14 tells us that God is our Creator: I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

As you know, we are triune beings made up of BODY, SOUL, and SPIRIT.

Our BODY is our physical makeup.

Our SOUL encompasses our mind, will, and emotions. In temperament, we call these areas of the SOUL: Inclusion, Control, and Affection.

Mary said in Luke 1:46-47: My SOUL doth magnify the Lord, and my SPIRIT hath rejoiced in God my Savior.”

Our SPIRIT is our only connecting link with God.

John 4:24 tells us: “God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.”

Since our Spirit is our only connecting link with our Lord, how can we help our counselees make that connection?

We begin by teaching them that they need to have their Body, Soul, and Spirit in balance.

Each area of the Soul (Inclusion, Control, Affection) is trying to meet its needs—either in godly or ungodly ways.

Once we help our counselees learn how to bring balance to their Soul area, then the Spirit can take its rightful place.

We are going to look at ways we can help our counselees line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

In review, Affection is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory connection with deep relationships for love and affection.

The needs within the temperament range from expressing love and affection to all deep relationships to expressing love and affection to only a select few.

They also vary from wanting love and affection from all deep relationships to wanting love and affection from only a select few.

Affection is the need:

  1. To express and receive love and approval.
  2. For deep personal relationships.

Affection determines:

  1. How many of our emotions we share.
  2. How emotionally guarded or emotionally open we are.

Affection is unique because:

  1. The temperament needs of Affection cannot be genuinely met without a deep, emotionally close relationship with our Lord.
  2. It determines how intimate we are with the extremely close people in our lives, and it also determines the depth of our feelings.

Each person tends to see the Lord from their temperament perspective. Their individual temperament affects their interaction with the Lord.

They will tend to express love and affection to the Lord in the same manner as they express love and affection to their deep relationships.

If they resist opening up and establishing deep, intimate relationships with others, they may also resist a deep, intimate relationship with the Lord.

Jesus Christ is the Living Word, and when we accept Him as our Lord and Savior, He reveals the Written Word (The Holy Bible) to us.

All He wants in return is for us to ask Him into our heart and to love Him with all our heart.

In other words, the temperament need of Affection cannot be fully met without a deep, emotionally close relationship with our Lord.

In this issue we are going to look at some of the Melancholy in Affection tendencies and what they need to do in order to line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

MELANCHOLIES IN AFFECTION TEND TO:

  1. Be emotionally guarded. They have a fear of rejection and betrayal as they usually feel that they are not worthy of being loved.
  2. Have deep, tender feelings but are not comfortable expressing their feelings with words. They rarely say “I love you” as they tend to feel that words are cheap, and also, that expressing their feelings with words would make them more vulnerable.
  3. Feel more comfortable expressing their love as a task. They tend to feel that the act of having sex is more tangible (concrete or real) to them than using words, hugging and touching, etc.
  4. Be faithful, loyal and self-sacrificing for their deep relationships. They would even die for them; however, their deep relationships will seldom, if ever, know.
  5. Not want their deep relationships to hug and touch them all the time. Some comments from Melancholies in Affection include: “I feel they are pawing all over me,” “They make my skin crawl,” and “My space is being invaded.”
  6. Become angry and vindictive if a deep relationship betrays them. They tend to spend their time trying to think of ways to get even. By doing this, they end up putting themselves in a prison of unforgiveness. (Usually, they do not realize that they are the only ones holding the keys to unforgiveness.)
  7. Be lonely after the loss of a deep relationship. They will tell you that they are lonelyhowever, what they are not telling you is that they are lonely for their deep relationship that is gone, and they believe that no one else can ever fill that void.
  8. Feel uncomfortable when their deep relationships want to have a romantic evening with dinner, etc. They may respond with: “I paid the electric bill; I don’t need to eat by candlelight,” or “I want to see what I am eating.”

MELANCHOLIES IN AFFECTION NEED TO:

  1. Learn to become secure in God’s love. God created them, loves them with His perfect love, and will never leave or forsake them. See Psalm 139:14-18. (Also Psalm 89:33 and Isaiah 54:10)
  2. Learn to come out of their comfort zone and express to their loved ones the words they need to hear them say, such as: “I love you,” “You are the best thing that ever happened to me,” or “ I don’t know what I would do without you,” etc. See I John 4:9-11.
  3. Learn that it is okay to share with their deep relationships that they are expressing love when they do tasks for them. See Romans 12:9-10.
  4. Learn to be secure enough with their deep relationships to tell them that they love them so much that they would die for them. See John 15:12-13.
  5. Learn to accept love and affection from their deep relationships in the manner that they express love and affection. For example, if their deep relationship is relationship-oriented and loves a back rub, they can rub their back as a task, and it will meet their relationshiporiented need for touching. See Philippians 2:3-5.
  6. Learn to forgive and bless those that have betrayed them rather than waste time trying to think of ways to get even with them. They do not realize that they are making themselves prisoners of their own anger and unforgiveness. See Matthew 6:14-15 and Ephesians 4:31-32.
  7. Learn that God’s love will fill their void. Scripture tells us that we are to love God first and that we are to love Him with all our heart. See Psalm 91:1-2 and Isaiah 43:1-3(Also Mathew 22:37-38.)
  8. Learn to come out of their comfort zone and meet the needs of their deep relationshipsWhen they do so, their deep relationships will, in turn, want to meet the Melancholy’s needs. See John 13:34.

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Melancholy in Affection, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

In the next issue, we will look at What is Love?—Phlegmatic in Affection.

Home | In Loving Memory | Temperament Corner | Book Review

Temperament Corner

WHAT IS LOVE?—CHOLERIC IN AFFECTION

How many times have you, as a counselor, been asked?

“WHAT IS LOVE?”

Your first response would be to tell them GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:16) and direct them to read John 3:16: “For God so loved the world…” (See also I John 4:8-10.)

Your second response would probably be to direct them to I CORINTHIANS 13: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love.…”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY HUSBAND, MY CHILDREN, AND MY FAMILY?

Your response could be to tell them that they need to love them with God’s love and direct them to read I John 4:12b: “…If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.”

How many times, as a counselor, have you been asked?

“HOW CAN I LOVE MY DEEP RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD’S LOVE?”

Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

Your responses could be to explain to them that after giving their heart to Jesus, His perfect love will flow through them. The only way they can truly love their deep relationships is by stepping aside and allowing Him to love their deep relationships through them.

Now it is no longer their imperfect love that is loving their deep relationships; it is His perfect love flowing through them.

Dr. Douglas A. Wheeler points out in his book Betrothed: “We need to learn to accept God’s love.” He wrote: “The love of God has nothing to do with you and all to do with Him. You cannot earn the love of God, because it was there for you from the foundation of the world.”

Your counselees need to learn to rest in God’s love and not strive to meet their own needs for love and affection because God will supply their needs. In so doing, they will be able to meet the needs of their deep relationships.

Nehemiah 8:10 tells us …for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Putting Jesus first, then Others, then Yourself = JOY!

Psalm 139:14 tells us that God is our Creator: I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

As you know, we are triune beings made up of BODY, SOUL and SPIRIT.

Our BODY is our physical makeup.

Our SOUL encompasses our mind, will and emotions. In temperament we call these areas of the SOUL: Inclusion, Control and Affection.

Mary said in Luke 1:46-47: My SOUL doth magnify the Lord, and my SPIRIT hath rejoiced in God my Savior.”

Our SPIRIT is our only connecting link with God.

John 4:24 tells us: “God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.”

Since our Spirit is our only connecting link with our Lord, how can we help our counselees make that connection?

We begin by teaching them that they need to have their Body, Soul and Spirit in balance.

Each area of the Soul (Inclusion, Control, Affection) is trying to meet its needs—either in godly or ungodly ways.

Once we help our counselees learn how to bring balance to their Soul area, then the Spirit can take its rightful place.

We are going to look at ways we can help our counselees line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

In review, Affection is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory connection with deep relationships for love and affection.

The needs within the temperament range from expressing love and affection to all deep relationships to expressing love and affection to only a select few.

They also vary from wanting love and affection from all deep relationships to wanting love and affection from only a select few.

Affection is the need:

  1. To express and receive love and approval.
  2. For deep personal relationships.

Affection determines:

  1. How many of our emotions we share.
  2. How emotionally guarded or emotionally open we are.

Affection is unique because:

  1. The temperament needs of Affection cannot be genuinely met without a deep, emotionally close relationship with our Lord.
  2. It determines how intimate we are with the extremely close people in our lives, and it also determines the depth of our feelings.

Each person tends to see the Lord from their temperament perspective. Their individual temperament affects their interaction with the Lord.

They will tend to express love and affection to the Lord in the same manner as they express love and affection to their deep relationships.

If they resist opening up and establishing deep, intimate relationships with others, they may also resist a deep, intimate relationship with the Lord.

Jesus Christ is the Living Word, and when we accept Him as our Lord and Savior, He reveals the Written Word (The Holy Bible) to us.

All He wants in return is for us to ask Him into our heart and to love Him with all our heart.

In other words, the temperament need of Affection cannot be fully met without a deep, emotionally close relationship with our Lord.

In this issue we are going to look at some of the Choleric in Affection tendencies and what they need to do in order to line up their Affection area with the Word of God.

CHOLERICS IN AFFECTION TEND TO:

  1. Use affection as a means to motivate (control) deep relationships.
  2. Want to be in control of the relationship, and will place conditions on the love they express.
  3. Reject deep relationships if they do not provide love and affection according to their terms. This is because they feel that if their deep relationships really cared, they would provide the love and affection on their terms.
  4. Become angry when deep relationships leave them.
  5. Develop relationships with people who are weak-willed.
  6. Perceive tears and emotionalism as a sign of weakness.
  7. Be unforgiving and vindictive.
  8. Be perfectionistic and expect perfection from their deep relationships.

CHOLERICS IN AFFECTION NEED TO:

  1. Learn to genuinely love their deep relationships. See Romans 12:9-10 (NIV): “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
  2. Learn not to control their deep relationships but rather motivate them with love. See I Corinthians 13:4-5 (NIV): “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
  3. Learn to accept love and affection from their deep relationships. See Romans 14:19 (KJV): “Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.”
  4. Learn to let go of the anger and forgive the deep relationships that leave them. See Ephesians 4:31-32 (KJV): “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamourand evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
  5. Learn to love their deep relationships as Jesus loves them and not hold them in contempt because they are not as strong-willed as they are. See Colossians 3:12 (KJV): “Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering….”
  6. Learn to allow their deep relationships to express love in the way God created them. Their deep relationships, like them, are fearfully and wonderfully made. See Psalm 139:14 (KJV);I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
  7. Learn to forgive their deep relationships. See I Peter 3:8-9 (NIV): “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
  8. Learn that only God is perfect and seek to love their deep relationships as God does with their imperfections. See Romans 5:5 (KJV): “And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Choleric in Affection, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

In the next issue we will look at What is Love?—Melancholy in Affection.

Home | I.R. Spotlight | Temperament Corner | Book Review

Temperament Corner

THE POWER OF WORDS

A careless word may kindle strife;
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A bitter word may hate instill;
A brutal word may smite and kill.
A gracious word may smooth the way;
A joyous word may light the day.
A timely word may lessen stress;
A loving word may heal and bless.
Author Unknown

A word fitly spoken is like
Apples of gold
in pictures of silver.
Proverbs 25:11

But I say unto you, that every idle word that
men shall speak, they shall give account thereof
in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou
shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be
condemned.
Matthew 12:36-37


COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY WITH THE SUPINE IN AFFECTION

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Dr. Phyllis J. Arno


Communication is the key to all relationships.  When we do not communicate properly, the results can be devastating.  Miscommunicating can cause anger, wars, murders, family splits, divorces, etc.

The Free Dictionary on the Internet describes the word “communication” to mean: “a. the art and technology of using words effectively to impact information or ideas. This would be verbal communication.”

Archie Bunker, the rather blunt father in the old TV series, “All in the Family,” made this statement:

THE REASON YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME, EDITH, IS BECAUSE I AM TALKIN’ TO YOU IN ENGLISH AND YOU’RE LISTENIN’ TO ME IN “DINGBAT!”

I am sure that at one time or another, we have probably all felt like saying that to someone who does not understand what we are trying to communicate to them.

However, when counseling, you cannot say what Archie Bunker said, but what you can do is learn to understand your counselee’s God-given temperament.

As a temperament counselor, you know that we are not all “wired” the same. Each temperament acts, responds and perceives things differently.

When you are counseling a temperament different than yours, you need to learn to set your temperament tendencies aside and counsel this person according to their temperament.

In this issue we are going to look at the Supine in Affection to see how to communicate with them according to their temperament.

When you communicate with them:

1. You should not say:

You expect your deep relationships to read your mind and know that you want love and affection.

You should probably say:

You tend to expect your deep relationships to know that you want love and affection.

2. You should not say:

You have feelings of worthlessness and feel unlovable at times. You constantly look for reasons why your deep relationships should not love you. You tend to deal with these feelings of rejection by crying.

You should probably say:

You tend to have feelings of being worthless and unloved. You may even cry as a way to deal with these feelings; crying acts as a safety valve. This is because you cannot understand how anyone could love you, so you need to always remember that God created you and loves you—all the time!

3. You should not say:

You internalize your anger and mask it as “hurt feelings.”

You should probably say:

You tend to say your “feelings are hurt”; however, what you are actually saying is “I am angry.” This is internalized anger. Learning to say “I am angry because…” will help you to deal with your anger so you can get rid of it.  In so doing, you will not lose your gentle spirit.

4. You should not say:

You have a fear of rejection, and you are easily offended and insulted, especially when your deep relationships do not initiate love and affection.

You should probably say:

You tend to have a fear of rejection and may even perceive rejection where there is none. You need to look to the Lord first for your love and affection, and then you will be less likely to perceive rejection from your deep relationships.

5. You should not say:

You serve your deep relationships but you need a great deal of recognition for what you do; if you do not receive recognition, you will feel used and become angry.

You should probably say:

You tend to have a gentle spirit and a servant’s heart, and you love to serve your deep relationships.  You tend to feel unappreciated and may become angry if they do not recognize and thank you for what you do for them.

When counseling a Supine in Affection, you need to be aware of the following regarding this temperament:

You want to approach the Supine in Affection in a friendly manner with a professional attitude.

The Supine in Affection has a perceived fear of rejection, and they will come in fearing that you will learn that they are not valuable and that you may not want to work with them.

As you can see, communicating according to a person’s unique temperament is invaluable.  The Supine in Affection will learn that:

  1. People cannot read their mind, so they need to initiate love and affection.
  1. They should not pull away in anger when they feel rejected. Their anger is actually internalized and masked as “hurt feelings.” This is because they feel that saying “My feelings are hurt” is less offensive.
  2. They need to look to Jesus for their love and affection so that they do not make ungodly demands on their deep relationships.
  1. They need to express their needs for love and affection in order to maintain their gentle spirit.
  1. They need to rest in God’s love and know that their value is in Him.

It is important to know that each temperament has strengths and weaknesses. We need to remember that God created the Supine in Affection just as He did the other temperaments in order to complete the Body of Christ.

God created the Supine in Affection with a gentle spirit and a servant’s heart.

The Supine in Affection needs to learn to look to God first for love and affection so that they do not make ungodly demands on their deep relationships.

The Supine in Affection needs to know that it is all right to cry; this is a safety valve for them to help deal with their stress. Psalms 56:8 says, “Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?” 

 PLEASE NOTE:  These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Supine in Affection, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

 

 Home | I.R. Spotlight | Temperament Corner | Book Review

Temperament Corner

THE POWER OF WORDS

A careless word may kindle strife;
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A bitter word may hate instill;
A brutal word may smite and kill.
A gracious word may smooth the way;
A joyous word may light the day.
A timely word may lessen stress;
A loving word may heal and bless.
Author Unknown

A word fitly spoken is like
Apples of gold
in pictures of silver.
Proverbs 25:11

But I say unto you, that every idle word that
men shall speak, they shall give account thereof
in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou
shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be
condemned.
Matthew 12:36-37


COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY WITH THE
SANGUINE IN AFFECTION

dsc02210-2-1
Dr. Phyllis J. Arno


Communication is the key to all relationships. When we do not communicate properly, the results can be devastating. Miscommunicating can cause anger, wars, murders, family splits, divorces, etc.

The Free Dictionary on the Internet describes the word “communication” to mean: “a. the art and technology of using words effectively to impact information or ideas. This would be verbal communication.”

Archie Bunker, the rather blunt father in the old TV series, “All in the Family,” made this statement:

THE REASON YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME, EDITH, IS BECAUSE I AM TALKIN’ TO YOU IN ENGLISH AND YOU’RE LISTENIN’ TO ME IN “DINGBAT!”

I am sure that at one time or another, we have probably all felt like saying that to someone who does not understand what we are trying to communicate to them.

However, when counseling, you cannot say what Archie Bunker said, but what you can do is learn to understand your counselee’s God-given temperament.

As a temperament counselor, you know that we are not all “wired” the same. Each temperament acts, responds and perceives things differently.

When you are counseling a temperament different than yours, you need to learn to set your temperament tendencies aside and counsel this person according to their temperament.

In this issue we are going to look at the Sanguine in Affection to see how to communicate with them according to their temperament.

When you communicate with them:

1. You should not say:
You fear rejection and will say and do things you know are wrong, but will do them anyway.

You should probably say:
You tend to have a fear of rejection and can, at times, do things you know are wrong. You need to remember that God is always with you and He will never leave, forsake or reject you.

2. You should not say:
You will adopt the behaviors and morals of others—good or bad in order to meet your need for love and affection.

You should probably say:
You tend to take on behaviors and morals of others in order to meet your need for love and affection. You need to always remember that your behavior should be pleasing to God.

3. You should not say:
You are highly emotional, especially when you are rejected by your deep relationships, and will react with outbursts of anger. This is because you dont think through the end results of your words and actions. You should consider the possible consequences of your words and actions.

You should probably say:
You tend to be highly emotional when rejected by your deep relationships and will tend to have outbursts of anger. You need to learn not to explode in anger when rejected, but rather discipline yourself—count to ten before you react.

4. You should not say:
You make unreasonable demands on your deep relationships and suffocate them because of your high need for love and affection.

You should probably say:
You tend to be overly demanding for love and affection from your deep relationships. You need to remember that they may not require or express as much love and affection as you do. In order to keep from being overly demanding on your deep relationships, you need to seek your love and affection from the Lord first.

5. You should not say:
You suffer from anxiety if you are not told constantly that you are loved, needed and appreciated by your deep relationships.

You should probably say:
You tend to need to be told constantly that you are loved, needed and appreciated; however, when you are unable to be around your deep relationships and you begin to feel anxious, you need to learn to interact with God. He is always there for you.

When counseling a Sanguine in Affection, you need to be aware of the following regarding this temperament:

You want to approach the Sanguine in Affection in a friendly, but professional manner.

The Sanguine in Affection has a short attention span, and you need to make sure that they are listening to you—especially after you have talked for a while. You can do this by stopping what you are saying to ask if they have any questions, etc.

As you can see, communicating according to a person’s unique temperament is invaluable. The Sanguine in Affection will learn that:

1. They can be inspiring and uplifting and can make others feel loved, needed and appreciated. They can be like the “sunshine” on a cloudy day.

2. They need to not explode in anger when they feel rejected, but rather to take a deep breath and count to 10. Their anger is usually for the moment, but the person toward whom they show anger may remember the angry explosion for quite a while. See Psalm 37:8: “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.” 

3. They should not reject people who do not express love and affection in the same manner as they do.

4. They must be careful not to adopt the bad morals of others when they are trying to meet their need for love and affection.

5. They do not need to fear rejection, for God is always with them. They are never alone.

It is important to know that each temperament has strengths and weaknesses. We need to remember that God created the Sanguine in Affection just as He did the other temperaments in order to complete the Body of Christ.

God created the Sanguine in Affection with the ability to be very inspiring, uplifting and loving.

The Sanguine in Affection needs to learn to recognize the needs of their deep relationships. In so doing, they will learn that not everyone has the same temperament needs in Affection that they have.

The Sanguine in Affection needs to learn to look to God first for their love, affection and approval. When they look to God first, they will not make ungodly demands on their deep relationships, for they will be able to see their deep relationships with the “Eyes of Christ. See Deuteronomy 6:5: “And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.”

PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling the Sanguine in Affection, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, learned behavior, personality and birth order.

In the next issue we will look at ways to communicate with a Supine in Affection counselee.

Home | I.R. Spotlight | Temperament Corner | Book Review